blogs, blogs, blogs

Book vs. Movie: A Clockwork Orange

2009-11-01T23:30:00.000-08:00

Clockwork Orange 几年前试尝读过，读不下去，觉得太难了，好多字都看不懂。

租了电影来看，觉得电影的视觉艺术很棒，配乐也好。

今年年初把书又拿出来读了，终于读完了。才知道我不认识的字都是作者 Anthony Burgess 自己发明的，要根据语法和上下文来猜测。但因为很多是俄文的字根，我自然看得很困难。从网上找到一个“字典”，才看懂了。觉得作者真是天才。

然后又看了电影。Kubrick 当然是天才，视觉艺术的天才。

发现书和电影所要表达的东西非常不同。

故事大致是这样的（书和电影略有不同）。第一部：一个在生活在未来英国社会的青少年 Alex，有严重暴力倾向。他和朋友每天晚上出门，打砸抢奸，无恶不作。后来遭同伙出卖，在一次作案中被警察抓住，送进监狱。第二部：为了早日出狱，他要求接受 aversion therapy。几天之后，他“治愈”了，变得完全不能忍受任何暴力。第三部：出狱之后，他遭受同伙的报复，家人的抛弃，以前受害者的欺负，却因失去自卫能力，想自杀都不行。最后政府为了搞宣传，又把他治回原状。他又开始暴力的生活了。

可是，书比电影多出一章。这第21章使得两部作品的寓意有很大差异。

书的结尾是这样的：Alex 回到暴力的生活后，又过了一段时间，忽然感到暴力很无聊，意识到“that human energy is better expended on creation than destruction. Senseless violence is a prerogative of youth, which has much energy but little talent for the constructive.” 他就结束暴力生涯，结婚，生子，"and perhaps even create something... "做了一个正常的社会公民。

电影虽然是在英国拍的，Kubrick 却选择用了美国小说的版本，没有最后一章的内容。

我读书和看电影，最大的收获是读了作者 Burgess 写的前言，主要是关于最后一章的。据 Burgess 说，他的书在美国发表的时候，出版社让他把最后一章删掉：

My New York publisher believed that my 21st chapter was a sellout. It was veddy veddy British, don't you know. It was bland and it showed a Pelagian unwillingness to accept that a human being could be a model of unregenerable evil. The Americans, he said in effect, were tougher than British and could face up to reality. Soon they would be facing up to it in Vietnam. My book was Kennedyan and accepted the notion of moral progress. What was really wanted was a Nixonian book with no shred of optimism in it. Let us have evil prancing on the page and, up to the very last line, sneering in the face of all the inherited beliefs, Jewish, Christian, Muslim and Holy Roller, about people being able to make themselves better. Such a book would be sensational, and so it is. But I do not think it is a fair picture of a human life.

I do not think so because, by definition, a human being is endowed with free will. He can use this to choose between good and evil. If he can only perform good or only perform evil, then he is a clockwork orange--meaning that he has the appearance of an organism lovely with colour and juice but is in fact only a clockwork toy to be wound up by God or the Devil or (since this is increasingly replacing both) the Almighty State. It is as inhuman to be totally good as it is to be totally evil. The important thing is moral choice. Evil has to exist along with good, in order that moral choice may operate. Life is sustained by the grinding opposition of moral entities....

印象最深的是作者的这段话：

The 21st chapter gives the novel the quality of genuine fiction, an art founded on the principle that human beings change. There is, in fact, not much point in writing a novel unless you can show the possibility of moral transformation, or an increase in wisdom, operating in your chief character or characters. Even trashy bestsellers show people changing. When a fictional work fails to show change, when it merely indicates that human characters is se, stony, unregenerable, then you are out of the field of the novel and into that of the fable or the allegory. The American or Kubrickian Orange is a fable; the British or world one is a novel.

最好笑的是，因为电影比书更出名，在作者把第21章加上后，很多读者／观众都来信询问。作者说，他的后半生大部分时间就是在 Xeroxing statements of intention and the frustration of intention，给读者回信，解释为什么书比电影多出一章来--while both Kubrick and my New York publisher coolly bask in the rewards of their misdemeanour. :)

Melody, first 88 days, with family

2009-08-26T11:06:00.000-07:00

Click here to view this photo book larger

Book: The Power of One by Bryce Courtenay

2009-05-16T19:07:00.000-07:00

Quote:

In this world are very few things made from logic alone. It is illogical for a an to be too logical. Some things we must just let stand. The mystery is more important than any possible explanation. The searcher after truth must search with humanity. Ruthless logic is the sign of a limited mind. The truth can only add to the sum of what you know, while a harmless mystery left unexplored often adds to the meaning of life. When a truth is not so important, it is better left as a mystery. p.263

rate my life quiz, not bad

2008-11-15T20:45:00.000-08:00

This Is My Life, Rated
Life:	7.3
Mind:	8.3
Body:	8
Spirit:	6
Friends/Family:	5.1
Love:	7.3
Finance:	6
Take the Rate My Life Quiz

We thought it might be interesting to let quiz-takers compare their scores to the averages we generate. So here are your scores compared to the average results from your age group and gender. This average is generated from 55,876 quiz scores.

Life:
You: 7.3
Average: 6.3
Mind:
You: 8.3
Average: 6.2
Body:
You: 8
Average: 6.4
Spirit:
You: 6
Average: 6.5
Friends/Family:
You: 5.1
Average: 5.2
Love:
You: 7.3
Average: 5.5
Finance:
You: 6
Average: 6.5

=======
not bad....

Movie/Book: Into the Wild

2008-11-06T21:14:00.000-08:00

5/24/08
昨晚看了电影 Into the Wild，才知道这个人，这家人的事。一边看，一边想，我们能从这个故事学到什么。这个孩子是不是教育失败？

首先，他完全没有按照父母的意愿生活，逃离家庭，不承认父母，心中没有一点对父母的感激。按草叶的准则，他是一个失败的人生。

可是，他独立自主，自力更生，虽身无分文，却过了两年快乐的流浪生活。用浮生和风子的准则，他快乐，喜欢自己选择的生活，是一个成功的人生。

他虽然没有给社会创造很多财富，却给遇到的人带来快乐。他给父母家人带来的是痛苦和悔恨，他的故事给我们外人带来思考和启发。从社会的角度来看，他的人生是有价值的。

最后，他不能按照他的意愿生存下去。他临死前意识到，happiness only real when shared，死之前想念家人，说明他自己选择的道路是不成功的，而且他也意识到了。那么，人生中短暂的快乐，不能决定人生的成功，可是，要多久的快乐才能算成功？十年二十年三十年？后半生？是不是在死的时候，才能对整个人生的成败下定论？再有，谁来下定论？作父母的，是要把子女培养成父母认为是成功的，还是子女自己认为是成功的，或是社会认为是成功的，才算成功？

这个问题越讨论越艰难。

另外，按七月所说，给孩子空间，如果孩子不需要父母，没有信号，父母就不要去打扰他，让孩子自然成长？可是，谁决定孩子需不需要父母？也许孩子的超级独立，是一种对父母需要的表现？电影中的男孩，如果父母能读到他给的信号，能创造一个交流的渠道，是否可以避免悲剧？

当然，电影 version中，最后这个男孩能得到大智慧，父母因为挫折而改变了自己的人生态度，在高一层次上，是否算是一种成功？不论道路多么艰辛曲折，在最后能够醒悟，能够与世界和解，能够认命，make peace with the world，一生也算可以算是完满的。

想到最后，还是觉得，人生道路有各种各样的，没有什么成功和失败，只有不同。每个人只能为了自己最终的内心安详而生活，只能为自己的幸福负责。自己喜欢怎么做，就怎么做吧。最终的心态是最重要的。子女的人生是他们的，他们也要自己找到健康的心态。做父母的，给子女的影响最大，所以首先要调整好自己的心态，以身作则，能帮就多帮一些。心要大，要开。智慧是快乐成功的唯一要素。

我每次想问题，想到最后，得到的都是一样的结论。怎么回事？:)

11/6/08
昨天我看了这本书。我觉得书比电影好。电影只是讲 Chris McCandless 的 misadventure，但书里写了不少其他人对 Alaska wilderness 的向往和追求，尤其作者年轻时有过类似的 Alaska 冒险的经历，读起来觉得很真切。

我也有 Alaska 情结。在美国读大学的时候，同学跟我说，要想赚钱，就趁暑假去 Alaska 打鱼，男生打鱼，女生在 cannery 工作，一个夏天可以挣五六千块钱呢。因为夏天日子长，每天要工作 10-12 个小时，但剩下时间都是自由的。我就特别向往，向往那种别样的生活。可惜大学我只过了一个暑假，上了好多课，没机会去。研究生的时候，我约了女友一起开车去 Alaska 玩一个月。临走那天她才说不想去了。后来我就更向往了，特别想开车去逛 3 个月。我不想坐 cruise，也许要等孩子长大一些，才能圆了我的阿拉斯加梦，但肯定跟年轻时的那种去冒险的感觉又不一样了。

因为是真事，是报告文学，所以才更令人感慨，感慨生命在青春时的脆弱。

Book: The Brethren by John Grisham

2008-11-06T21:03:00.000-08:00

前两天刚读了 The Brethren by John Grisham，小说的一个重要的 subplot 是讲美国总统选举的。书里说，谁的钱多，谁就能赢。读后，我对大选的激情更加淡薄。归根结底还是钱的问题。

CIA director wants to increase military budget, so he picks an unknown Arizona congressman to be a presidential candidate after NH primary, promises to provide unlimited campaign funding. He "creates" terrorist crisis to scare the people, and soon everyone turns to the new candidate. The money comes from defense companies, including "private" companies that nobody knows. The money is used for advertisement, for buying off politicians (to pay off their campaign debts), and such. Throughout the book, the CIA director keeps saying that the one who has more campaign money always wins. The writer John Grisham has worked in a presidential campaign before, so I assume he knows some inside stories.

TTC: 20th Century American Fiction

2008-10-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

20th-Century American Fiction
(32 lectures, 30 minutes/lecture)
by Arnold Weinstein

Hemingway. Fitzgerald. Faulkner. No first names are needed.
These giants of literature are immediately recognizable to anyone who loves to read fiction and even to many who don’t.

Now, thanks to this course from Brown University’s Professor Arnold Weinstein, you can develop fresh insight into these and eight other great American authors of the 20th century. Professor Weinstein sheds light not only on the sheer magnificence of these writers’ literary achievements but explores their uniquely American character as well. Despite their remarkable variety, each represents an outlook and a body of work that could only have emerged in the United States.

Freedom and Speech

The aim of this course is to analyze and appreciate some of the major works of fiction produced in this country over the past century, using as a focal point the idea of "freedom of speech." The focus on freedom of speech is appropriate for many reasons, particularly:
These texts often invoke the fundamental political freedoms guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution, and many of them take the liberty of articulating the painful ideological conflicts that have punctuated our modern history: war, racism, poverty, drugs, sexism, and the like.
"Freedom of speech" also spells out the key thesis to be presented in these readings: Language itself turns out to be not only "free" but a precious means of becoming free, of experiencing life beyond the constraints of the ordinary workaday world.
The overriding theme in American literature, as in American life, is that of freedom itself, whether expressed in a laissez-faire economy, in upward mobility, or simply in our belief that we can make ourselves and our lives into something beyond the origins and influences of our births, a theme sometimes called the American dream. No other society has ever professed such beliefs, and it is not surprising that our literature has much to tell us about the viability of these notions.
Our Ongoing War for Independence

Why would literature be a privileged record for this special American story about freedom? The answer: American fiction is something of a battleground in the "war of independence" that human beings—white or black or red or yellow, male or female—wage every day of their lives.

Our war consists of achieving a self, making or maintaining an identity, making our particular mark in the world we inhabit. This is a battle because the 20th century American scene is not particularly hospitable to self-making: great forces coerce our lives, forces that are at once economic, biological, political, racial, and ideological.

We are dogged by not only death and taxes but by the influence of family, of business, of society, of all those potent vectors that constitute the real map and landscape of our lives. This vexed and conflicted terrain does not resemble the smooth résumés that are our shorthand for what we have done, but it does correspond to our experiential awareness of what we go through, how we have changed from childhood to adulthood, what our work and friendships and marriages have been and what they have meant to us. Literature enables us to recover this territory—our territory. The texts presented in this course constitute an enlarged repertory of human resources, of the battle for freedom.

The Heroic Self in a Humbling Land

We begin by looking at the great texts and movements of the 19th century, especially our belief in heroic selfhood, and we begin to see and chart the kinds of forces that make up the moving stage we occupy.

Anderson’s Winesburg, Ohio is among the most poignant descriptions of life at the beginning of the century, but the charm of this small-town narrative acquires a deeper hue when we see the amount of repression and inner violence that Anderson chronicles.

Hemingway’s In Our Time and Fitzgerald’s Tender is the Night are both, in their own ways, about American loss of innocence; about how the Great War and the brutality of modern life permanently altered our belief systems. This theme is presented as physical trauma in Hemingway and as madness and decay in Fitzgerald.

Faulkner’s Light in August depicts the ravages of racism in the American South, but it seeks, magnificently, to pair its overt story of carnage and neurosis with another, more elusive fable of love, kinship, and redemption.

We turn to Hurston’s Their Eyes Were Watching God for the first—and perhaps the best—account of growing up black and female in America, a story that is expressed in a kind of language and diction that moves breathlessly from the vernacular to the legendary.

Flannery O’Connor’s stories bring a different agenda to our course: the challenge of perceiving the contours of God, spirit, and grace in a seemingly materialist Southern landscape peopled with the lowest profile folks in American literature.

Burroughs’ Naked Lunch, once censored and then seen as merely a raunchy drug epic, will be studied as a dazzling and disturbing account of the body in culture, a body that is horribly open and defenseless against the takeovers that beset it.

War returns to our course in Vonnegut’s Slaughterhouse-Five, at once poignant and wacky, speaking to us of mass destruction and of extraterrestrials in the same voice, a voice that is hard to forget.

The course will close with a series of lectures on three of the most significant contemporary writers—writers whose works may not yet be familiar to you.

In his sprawling and audacious Public Burning, Robert Coover uses that most popular American code, entertainment, to present a manic account of the Rosenberg execution and the antics of one Richard Nixon.

Toni Morrison’s fascinating Sula is an experimental novel in which Morrison fashions a group of characters whose lives and values make rubble out of the conventions of humanistic culture, whether black or white.

Finally, Don DeLillo’s appealing, absurdist comedy of modern life, White Noise, depicts our encounter with the technological madhouse in which we live but which we have not quite gotten around to seeing.

Lifelines

These American fictions, seen together, tell a composite story about coping, about fashioning both a story and a life. The range of experiences and subcultures to be found here will dwarf the experience of any single reader, and that is how it should be. Much is dark in these stories, but the honesty and integrity of these writers adds pith and richness to our own lives and makes us realize that reading is as much a lifeline as it is entertainment or education.

Course Lecture Titles

1. American Fiction and the Individualist Creed
2. The American Self—Ghost in Disguise
3. What Produces "Nobody"?
4. Sherwood Anderson's Winesburg, Ohio—Writing as the Talking Cure
5. Winesburg—A New American Prose-Poetry
6. Hemingway—Journalist, Writer, Legend
7. Hemingway as Trauma Artist
8. Hemingway's Cunning Art
9. F. Scott Fitzgerald—Tender Is the Night—Fitzgerald's Second Act
10. Fitzgerald's Psychiatric Tale
11. Dick's Dying Fall—An American Story
12. Light in August—Midpoint of the Faulkner Career
13. Light in August—Determinism vs. Freedom
14. Light in August—Novel as Poem, or, Beyond Holocaust
15. Zora Neale Hurston's Their Eyes Were Watching God—Canon Explosion
16. Their Eyes Were Watching God—From Romance to Myth
17. Flannery O'Connor—Realist of Distances
18. O'Connor—Taking the Measure of the Region
19. Williams Burroughs—Bad Boy of American Literature
20. Naked Lunch—The Body in Culture
21. Naked Lunch—Power and Exchange in the Viral World
22. Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse-Five—Apocalypse Now
23. Vonnegut's World—Tralfamadore or Trauma?
24. Robert Coover—Postmodern Fabulator
25. The Public Burning—Execution at Times Square
26. Robert Coover—Fiction as Fission
27. Toni Morrison's Sula—From Trauma to Freedom
28. Sula—New Black Woman
29. Don DeLillo—Decoder of American Frequencies
30. White Noise—Representing the Environment
31. DeLillo and American Dread
32. Conclusion—Nobody's Home

什么？股市又跌了六百多点？（阳阳的 slide show）

2008-10-09T21:41:00.000-07:00

真着急。阳阳感冒了，老公买了好多药

2008-10-08T19:50:00.000-07:00

阳阳感冒了，老公买了好多药，有的药上面说两岁以下不能吃。老公特别相信吃药，每次阳阳病了，他都要弄各种西药来。我比较反对吃药。今天他买了好几种药回来，其中两种说六岁以下要问医生，还有一种说两岁以下不能吃(Children's Dimetapp, Nightime Cold & Congestion)。我不想用，他说顶多问一下我公公（是医生）就行了。我公公也很喜欢给人开药的。

还有泰诺，儿医说过如果不发烧就不用吃，但老公还是要喂
刚才他给阳阳倒了什么药，10ml，一大杯。盒子上说六岁孩子吃15ml，六岁以下要问医生。我说不要吃了，吃也不能吃那么多。就吵了起来。好生气。:(

我老公就是特别迷信西药，他自己就是个 "drug" addict。

谢谢你们给的 FDA 的新消息。老公不肯看。%#$*)~^@&)#@*_%&#!$z

看阳阳生病受苦的样子很心疼，看他现在那么喜欢吃药，更心疼。

我公公是医生（现在做美容手术），经常给我们开药。大概我老公就是这样长大的，觉得没什么。:(

阳阳感冒了。在家里呆了三天。真是度日如年啊。

2008-10-08T17:01:00.000-07:00

昨天还见好，今天又差了，不仅流鼻涕，还咳嗽。

哪里也不能去，不想传染别人。他白天黑夜都睡不好。真累人。

看他那可怜的小样，他要玩什么就给他什么。平时几乎从来不看电视的，但这几天整天放 DVD。平时把汽车的书和玩具都藏起来（想让他多玩多看其它玩具和书），现在也拿出来。他一边看电视，一边玩车，我就上网。

家里热极了了，又没空调。整天闷在家里，懒洋洋的，可能都有点忧郁症了。

参观特殊教育的学前班，希望阳阳能够资格入学

2008-10-07T23:50:00.000-07:00

This is terrible. I lost everything I just entered. :(
Today I went to Jefferson school to look into getting Yangyang some more physical/occupational therapy, as well as a center-based program. Our HRC (regional center) therapist Sally suggested these programs to me. Normally our HRC counselor would take care it, but our counselor Lucy was extremely unresponsive and irresponsible. It usually takes her two weeks to return a phone call. When I told her about YY's need of more PT/OT, she assured me that it would only take a week to get things arranged, but now it had been over a month, and nothing had been done. Even Sally sympathizes with me and supports my decision to get a new counselor. Sally gave me the Jefferson leads so I can get more help on my own.

There are two programs appropriate to YY on Jefferson campus. One is CCS/MTU, California Children Services, Medical Treatment Unit. They can provide additional PT/OT. I submitted my form along with doctor's report and prescription, and someone from the main office would contact me shortly, they said.

The other program is Early Start Service of Los Angeles County Office of Education (LACOE). I asked for the coordinator Jennifer. She was in a classroom with three other teachers and seven children. They were doing art work in two groups. Jennifer was very pleasant to talk to, and she explained to me about their program clearly. This program is for children between 1.5 and 3 with motor delays, and possibly other developmental delays. One starts with two days a week, 9:30-12:30 including lunch, and after 6 months will increase to three days a week. The activities include free play, circle time, music, art, and so on, and the class structure looks a lot like a preschool. Jennifer says that they prepare the children for regular preschools. The other three teachers are equally nice and patient. I was very impressed with them. And the teacher-to-student ratio is lower than 1:2! Think of all the attention YY can get! I feel eager to get YY into such a program. It looks a lot better than all the preschools I have visited before, and I have visited quite a lot.

However, I was concerned with the other students in the classroom. Several of the students were quite delayed in other areas. One girl was tied to a chair because she could not hold up her head, and a crayon had to be tied to her hand so she could "draw". Another boy looked like a Down syndrome kid. One girl had to use a walker to walk because she looked too weak. A black girl looked quite social, and an older boy had a prothetic leg. Jennifer told me that these two kids were not delayed and they could do age-appropriate things. This program has other children who were not delayed, so Jennifer told me not to worry. I guess YY is still too young to be affected by other students.

The next step is to find Diana from our school district, and request an interdistrict referral. When I called her up, she was no longer working there, and the psychologist who answered the call had no idea what I needed. She said she would look into it. Another step was to have Jennifer come to our home to assess YY and see if he qualifies the program. I hope YY gets in, because he would benefit from the professional care and learn appropriate social skills. Maybe I will tell YY to act delayed so he can get in... Also we might need Sally to write up a report.

COPY. SAVE.

我这个当妈的真失败 :(

2008-10-06T17:09:00.000-07:00

周末带阳阳出去玩，阳阳在旅馆里太兴奋，一早醒来就睡不着了。我哄了俩小时，唱歌哼曲，摸头摸背，拍屁股，抱着搂着，左哄右哄都不行，实在累得不行。老公在身边呼呼大睡。让他来哄。他搂着不到两分钟，阳阳就睡着了。

回来阳阳就病了。晚上难受，隔十几分钟就醒来大哭。我过去哄，抱着搂着，想尽办法，怎么也不行。让老公过来。他抱也不抱，就站在小床边，唱着走调走了十万八千里远的歌，阳阳就立刻不哭了，两分钟就睡了。

今天我一人在家，想让阳阳多睡觉，可整天他只睡了半小时。我想尽办法，连走调的歌也唱过了。真没辙了。我这个当妈的怎么这么失败啊！:(

为什么我这样心里不平横呢？

2008-10-01T12:28:00.000-07:00

每次看到儿子在公园里快乐的玩，玩车，玩球，玩水，就希望他一辈子都这样无忧无虑，开开心心，想玩什么就玩什么。可每次看到老公整天想着开跑车开越野车，打篮球打排球，去泳池去海边游泳，就很气愤。觉得他有空应该帮着看孩子，带我们全家玩。

我弄点儿好吃的，全留给儿子。老公来了，想尝一口，我都不情愿给。只有过期的、剩了好久的，才让老公吃。

想到以后儿子要娶个老婆，跟我这样的，就可怜了。

Book: Sister Carrie

2008-09-29T22:25:00.000-07:00

I'm so happy to be reading Sister Carrie instead of the Bone People. I read it with great intent, enjoying each word in each sentence. It sounds like music to me.

I read the first two chapters last year when I was nursing. I found it very difficult, and I could not get into the book. I was not in the mood to enjoy it. I felt sad, and I didn't know if I would ever enjoy a great book again. I am glad this book has given me another chance.

There are several books in the past that I could not get into. I will have to give them a second chance. Yes, One Hundred Years of Solitude needs 3 or 4 chances.

阳阳18个月：可爱的表情（小电影）

2008-09-26T14:48:00.000-07:00

阳阳怎么总是这样可爱呢！

阳阳18个月：从小爱读书（小电影）

2008-09-26T14:13:00.000-07:00

阳阳喜欢读书，坐汽车，坐推车，在家里，在床上，都拿本书，自己读给自己，有声有调的。好笑极了！

他不太喜欢我们读书给他。

book: The Bone People by Keri Hulme

2008-09-26T13:37:00.000-07:00

I can't say I enjoyed the Bone People by Keri Hulme. While I was reading it the last two weeks, I was impatient with the book, and speed-read many pages. For one thing, I am not used to the language style. It is said to "follow the rhythms and accents of the Maori idiom". It is very difficult for me to follow. Also Hulme changes her narrative back and forth from third person to first person, and it is confusing, especially if I am speed reading. Most of the passages about Kerewin Holmes, which is over half of the book, read like a private diary. Since Kerewin Holmes sounds like Keri Hulme, and they have similar backgrounds (part Maori, part European, painter, drinker, asexual, etc.), I feel I am reading a badly written autobiography. I do not care about the protagonist, because she is self-absorbing and irritating. I care about Joe, but the book tells too little about him. I care about Simon, and in the book there is a promise of a mystery, but it is never resolved. There is no story in the book, only character studies, of only one character, which is the author, who is often drunk, depressed, or dreaming. I have learned something about the Maori people, but it is only through the eyes of Keri Hulme, whom I have a most difficult time to relate. I do not trust her at all.

The only part I can read normally is the part about Joe's wandering, and about Simon's recovering. Hulme uses normal English in those chapters, and I could understand. Then she switches back to Kerewin, and I am lost again. Unlike the other two characters, I don't understand how and why she is healed. In the end, I don't know what has happened. I am confused from beginning to end.

I got this book because it has won several book award, including the 1985 Booker Prize, an award for contemporary fiction writers from the British Commonwealth and Ireland. Past award winners include these two that I have read:

1989 - Kazuo Ishiguro - United Kingdom/Japan - The Remains of the Day - (I love it)
2002 - Yann Martel - Canada - Life of Pi - (I don't like)

Also Alice Walker recommends this book. Well, I don't.

阳阳18个月的大动作（gross motor skills)

2008-09-26T13:14:00.000-07:00

阳阳虽然走路晚（16个多月才会走），但看样子他的大动作很快能赶上同龄小朋友。现在阳阳18个月了，喜欢上楼梯，上下台阶，上下坡，走沙滩，不过还不会跑，也不会跳。我带他去体操课，鼓励他多运动，希望能治好他的左右不平衡。

阳阳18个月：学用叉子（小电影）

2008-09-26T12:10:00.000-07:00

前后学了四天就学会了。

不过这两天又不会了。

阳阳18月＋2周：成长纪录

2008-09-22T23:45:00.000-07:00

阳阳上了两堂体操课，第一堂很迷惑，第二堂就活泼了。跑步的时候，他挺高兴的，跟着大家从一头颠颠的跑到另一头。平衡木，他走了两次，就有很大进步。自由活动的时候，我又跟他走了三次，他已经是自己的脚站在平衡木上往前走，当然我要扶紧他。有个两岁的男孩，特别闹，但他可以自己走平衡木。他不能自己抓着单杠悬在空中，手劲不够。扶他做前滚翻，他很乖，还能自己钻洞。我觉得这些体操项目对阳阳特别好，他走路晚，平衡不好，因为脑子的原因，歪到一边，正好可以帮训练他的体能。只是自由活动的时候，他总是往门外跑，要去看车，或是去收音机那里搞音乐。老公说他是个好奇心极强的孩子。
阳阳特别喜欢看书。他每天都到他的书架前面，扒拉下一些书，挑他喜欢的来看。他最喜欢的当然是有汽车的书。我已经尽量把有车的书收起来了，但今天他终于找到一本书，翻到有汽车的一页，高兴的说，car, car, car! 他有上百本书，真亏了他能记得哪本里有汽车。不过现在汽车的书大大减少了，他也能看其他的书。他经常一边翻书，一边念念有词。不过如果我给他读书，他还是不太能坐得住。如果我把他手里的书拿过来，坐在地上，他就过来坐在我怀里，假惺惺的跟我看两页，然后站起来就走了。晚上睡觉前，他一定要看 Good Night Moon，因为最近两三个礼拜每天我都在睡觉前给他读这个。不知他是不是上瘾了。明天试着读其它睡觉前的书看看。阳阳还喜欢翻特别小的纸板书，因为一定要两只手一起来翻，所以能训练两手合作，真好。我就经常给他小书看。大书他还是喜欢用左手去翻。

星期四带阳阳去附近的小水族馆，以为他会喜欢看鱼。他却一心想推车，抱他看海马，他看了一眼就要下来。也许他还太小。

在 South Park 他忽然喜欢玩小火车来。前一天他还整个操场的跑，去看汽车。这次他在小火车里钻来钻去，坐在座位上，往窗外看。后来见到两个中国孩子，跟他们在看球赛的金属架的条椅上玩了一会。那两个孩子是领养的，姐姐说话迟，弟弟有裂唇。我前些日子在 Regional Center 的家长训练课上遇到他们的妈妈，后来又在本市 city council 开会的时候见到她，才知道他们住在我们区。那个白人妈妈也支持我们校区用中文教课。每次见到阳阳跟别的孩子玩，我就特别高兴。我们还见到 Rachel 和她的6个月的儿子，又瘦又小，据说只有 5 percentile 体重。他爸爸那么高。真想不到。

上星期阳阳已经基本掌握了用叉子的技巧。他一直不愿意学用叉子，吃饭一定要用手抓。前几天我拿出他的小叉子，每次吃他不太喜欢吃的东西时，就用叉子把吃的叉上，放在他右手里，他觉得好玩，就顺手把食物放进嘴里吃掉。真好！但他自己从来叉不上什么。我想他学什么都那么慢，要能学会用叉子喂自己，至少也要好几个月吧。想不到星期四晚上，他忽然就能自己叉到东西了。是我切好的西瓜。他先用左手，然后又用右手，每次都能叉到西瓜。结果他一口气吃了好多西瓜。最近几天他偶尔也用叉子，只限于水果。太滑的东西，他还是要用手。他虽然喜欢用左手，但经常也能用右手。真有进步！我发现他是那种孩子，不到自己很有把握的去做什么事，坚决不去乱试，也不要别人来帮忙。他走路就是个例子。他一直不走，一旦走了，就走的很好，从来不让我来扶着。用叉子也是。这一点，是否有点象我？

星期五去图书馆听故事，阳阳就不如上次那么乖了，老想站起来，去搞音响！故事会之后，他倒是乖乖的画了一会儿画，才开始在满图书馆乱跑。

阳阳现在最喜欢的活动是用蜡笔画画。每天吃完早饭，我都让他坐在 high chair 上画会儿画。这两天他还没吃完，就嚷嚷着，只着蜡笔和放废纸的地方，要我拿画具给他。我把用过一面的废纸贴在他身前的架子上，把放蜡笔的小桶给他，他迫不及待的伸手拿出蜡笔，就开始画了。他比较喜欢粗的蜡笔。他左右手都能画，左手画画，就换到右手画画。开始他还是乱涂，但几天下来，他已经很有意识的在画，一笔一笔的，控制得很好，新的一笔要画在纸的空白处。我不知道他怎么选颜色，有一天就拿着黑色画了很久。一般一副“画”只用两三种颜色。画够了，阳阳就把蜡笔一只只的扔到地上。

星期五我们去 Brandon 家。他住得离我们太近了，就在拐角的一个公寓里。这次的活动是 finger paint，用手和了彩色的面糊糊，在纸上画画。阳阳开始都不去阳台玩画画，只是在玩具箱附近找汽车玩。后来等大家都不画了，他跑到阳台上，自己用手和了点颜色，然后往纸上乱抹。正巧两个妈妈看到了，惊奇的说，所有孩子里，只有阳阳是自己画的，别的孩子都是妈妈用手抓着抹的。哈哈，想不到阳阳真是个 self-starter。不过阳阳不理大人的话，总一个人在那里研究电视的按钮。他还喜欢不声不响的跟小朋友抢玩具。我一般都是睁一眼闭一眼，只有当别的妈妈干预的时候，才也干预两句。我们离 Brandon 很近，以后可以经常来往。

星期六上午我们跟 Amy 一家在码头见面，参加清洁海滩的活动。Amy 背着小儿子，Max 在他父母之间玩耍，我老公跟 Dan 聊天，看着阳阳，我就跟 Amy 聊天。阳阳总是跑到救生员的卡车前，抱着轮胎，抚摸着 bumper，大声赞叹：Car, yeah! Car, yeah! 直到最后，阳阳才开始跟 Max 玩了一会，也就是两个小孩轮流往洗手间那里跑。后来两个孩子都累了，沙滩上走几步就要摔跤。阳阳进步真大，现在能在沙滩上走那么久。我自己可累坏了，因为整个上午要弯腰去捡沙滩上的垃圾，又要去追阳阳。到了星期天我累的起不了床。阳阳好像也挺累的，我们就破例在家呆了一上午。

星期六下午我们一家三口到 PV 的 Misty Mountain 公园玩。这个公园的名字是我们自己起的，因为去年第一次去的时候，远远见到海上的岛，在云雾中，迷迷蒙蒙，诗情画意极了。后来我们去过几次，每次都感慨，这个公园简直太美了，一面是绿油油的山坡，另一面是180度的海景。草地很大，游乐场的设施也干净。来这里的有不少住在附近的亚裔呢。上次来的时候，阳阳才刚会走路，还是到处乱爬。这次他就走啊走的，专门捡上坡下坡的路，还喜欢钻东西。他走路很快，连 Amy 都说阳阳是那种走路特快的孩子，两个小腿倒个不停。书上说的，走路晚的孩子，很多长大以后都成了运动员。我想阳阳以后一定体育很好，只要他能克服左右不平衡的缺陷。

星期天下午我们在家开 party，叫了阳阳的爷爷，姑姑姑父，小表姐，还有一对朋友夫妇来。阳阳没怎么跟小表姐玩，只是自己屋前屋后的忙碌。后来他饿的时候，闹了一阵。大家都想帮忙，越帮越乱。爷爷的新女朋友也来了。她原来是搞儿童心理学的专家。爷爷（也是医生）和女朋友看了阳阳的 MRI 报告，跟我说不用着急。我其实也没怎么着急。但今天爷爷打来两个电话，让我们去 UCLA 看儿童神经科的医生，还要我们把 MRI 图片寄给他，他去找别的医生问。看来他虽然嘴上说没问题，心里还是很在乎的。以前都是我一个人在着急，所有人都说我无事生非，搞得我很 defensive，恨不得阳阳真的能诊断出什么问题。现在一旦诊断了，又出来那么多人来关心阳阳，我可以放心很多。

今天星期一，就我跟阳阳在一起。上午去了图书馆，市政府，邮局，药店，超市，银行，还有饮料店，下午上公园。我们在花园里玩的时候，阳阳忽然拿起浇花的水筒，假装去浇花。他怎么学的？我平时都是用管子浇花，偶尔才用水筒浇过几次。阳阳浇花的样子很专业呢。只是等我帮他把水筒里灌上水，他就哗啦一下，把筒里的水全倒在身上了。

他最喜欢揪我新种下的一个叫 Baby Toes 的 succulent。他揪下来后，还试尝把“叶子”种回去。今天我发现他把我的一盆花弄倒，花盆里的土全倒出来，然后又把花放回花盆，把花盆放回架子上。我是看到地上的土，才怀疑有人做了手脚。这个小调皮！

看电视的时候很认真。

阳阳的新词汇：

kong4: 电话（这个会了好久了）

Its red car (???)

Thats what I mean (???)

bong~bong~bong~ 我推阳阳出去的时候，每次见到蓝色垃圾筒，就一边说，“蓝色垃圾筒～bong~bong~bong”，一边用脚踢三下。今天上街，忽然听他说，bong~bong~bong，好几次以后我才意识到，明天收垃圾，今天街上到处都是垃圾筒。:)

很多他原来说的，做的 signs，现在他也不说，也不做了。还是不会叫爸爸，爸爸妈妈一并叫妈妈。

阳阳和新认识的小朋友

2008-09-16T23:50:00.000-07:00

今天下午 Amy 带了两个儿子到我家玩。Amy 是我最近通过 Moms' Club 认识的妈妈。她第一次参加活动的那天，只有她和我到指定地点集合，然后我们就认识了。后来我们约出来玩了几次。她因为认识了我，不打算再加入 Moms CLub 了。她人很和善，我们还能合得来。我们都很高兴能互相认识。最重要的是，Amy 的大儿子 Max 快2岁了，自从18个月从 daycare 回来后，一直没有什么伙伴，想找个固定的玩伴。我也正好想给18个月的阳阳找玩伴，害怕他不合群。Max 很怕羞，喜欢粘着妈妈，每次都需要很长时间才能放开去玩。阳阳正好相反，总是一个人乐幽幽的东跑西逛的。我不知道他们能不能玩在一起，但我想大家认识久了，也许互相都能有好处。Max 能说很多话呢。也许因为 Amy 是 speech therapist 的缘故。他把阳阳叫 Ya-ya。看来我自己发音可能也不太准。Amy 的小儿子 Christian 才5个月，个头很大，老是要给抱着。他们还有一只狗 Ally，带出来玩过一次。
昨天我们在公园里见面。阳阳一开始就跑开了。过了一个多小时，阳阳才回到我附近玩，最后终于开始跟 Max 一起傻笑，一起玩了一会儿。看到他们两个开心的样子，我也好开心。约好今天下午到我家玩。

我们先在客厅里，把阳阳的所有玩具都拿出来玩一通。Max 见到新玩具，好高兴。阳阳和平常一样，自己玩自己的，有时见到 Max 在玩什么玩具，他也过去看。多个小朋友在家，阳阳虽然多数时候自己忙自己的，我看他还是很高兴。后来他很想出门，我们就在“花园”里又玩了一会儿。小孩子还是喜欢在户外。

平时我根本不能在家里呆一整下午，但家里有了伴，时间过得很快。转眼晚饭时间到了。我请 Amy 留在家里一起吃饭，因为他老公这个礼拜出差在外。她很高兴的答应了。Max 在我家，吃得不少。阳阳也跟着吃。到后来，阳阳的爽朗笑声把 Max 也感染了，两个小孩互相挤眉弄眼的作怪样，可好玩了。中国人说，人多吃饭香，真是这个道理。

Amy 小儿子也饿了。还好我家还有没吃完的婴儿罐装食品，给他吃了一些。上午蔡太太带了一盒台湾的月饼，今年我们正好没买，就趁机大家一起吃了。还给阳阳喂了一口。Amy 走的时候，已经快七点半了。我们约了下次到他们家玩。

晚上给阳阳洗了澡。他用手扒拉扒拉脸，表示要睡觉了。太可爱了。

这里顺便纪录一下阳阳最近的事。

他每次喝奶的时候，都先自己喝几口，再把杯子放我面前，喂我喝几口，又自己拿回去喝。他看我喝奶的表情，那么关注，让我感动。

我想教他用叉子，就先把吃的叉在叉子上，递给他，他很高兴的吃了进去，然后自己给自己拍手。他自己还不会叉东西。如果有什么他不太愿意自己用手吃的，我就给放在叉子上，他觉得好玩，就吃下去，还吃不少呢。这是妈妈的一个小把戏。

他喜欢玩复活蛋，到哪里总是用左手握着，正好可以锻炼用右手做其它事，我就经常给他个蛋拿着。这是妈妈的另一个小把戏。

上周我带阳阳去上体操课。没想到他没哭（好几次有点想哭但没哭），后来还很高兴的玩 hula hoop 和皮球。他练习了传球，跑步，上坡，钻洞，平衡木，弹床，想个小体操运动员一样。他的表情总是很茫然，不知发生什么事的样子。他没哭，就是一大进步。另外有三个小女孩，比他大几个月，论表现，阳阳不是最差的。我对他的要求太低了，呵呵。老师年纪虽大，却能做不少体操运动。我喜欢这个老师，她挺严厉的，但不凶。明天又要去上课。

上周还去了图书馆的故事会。十几个小孩，阳阳算是特别乖的，居然坐在我腿上一动没动。可能也是吓的，茫然不知发生什么事。上面说的两个活动都是从18个月开始的，阳阳刚到，还小，不知以后会怎样。本来想跟阳阳上 mommy & me 的课，一周一次，三个小时，但所有合适的时间都满了（旧学生优先，我们后来想加入的根本排不上）。也好，先上些短课，让阳阳适应一下。

阳阳今天一岁半啦！小电影：阳阳做手语（baby sign language）

2008-09-08T12:43:00.000-07:00

转眼小家伙就18个月了。阳阳一直跟妈妈在家。妈妈也是新手，不会带孩子。听说教婴儿手语很好，就弄了点书和录像，学了几手。阳阳对妈妈的教导总是爱理不理的，妈妈也懒得教。阳阳到16个月，忽然学了几手，妈妈好高兴。平时那些生活上需要的，比如“吃饭”，“奶”，“喝水”，“还要”，“睡觉”，“帮我”都没学会，倒是学了几个小动物。贴上来给大家看看，鼓励正在教手语的妈妈和学手语的宝宝。

下面是阳阳的口语词汇量，中文英文加起来就几个，有的还是错的。今天医生说，18个月的孩子一般会说10个字左右。看起来阳阳还不算太慢。

今天体检，身高33.75英寸(90%)，体重27磅8盎士(70%)，头围48.5英寸(75%)，跟前两个月差不多。

Book: All the King's Men by Robert Penn Warren

2008-09-07T21:07:00.000-07:00

I really enjoyed this 661-pages long political novel. It started very slowly, with long descriptions of landscapes, people in the background, characters in the foreground, and so on. The story was thin and deeply embedded in the descriptions. After a couple of chapters, I gradually see the history of each character, and the relationships among them. I was drawn into the complicated web of people with past, present, and future. Characters are well-developed. The plots are neat and tight. There is a satisfactory closure at the end.

There are two movies made for this book. I have seen the earlier one but I didn't understand it at the time of viewing. I've read that the character Willie Stark (Boss) is based on a real governor (Huey Long of Louisiana). I've always wondered where the character Jack Burden come from. There were many rich memories from the past. I kept thinking that the author must have had most of the experiences he gave to Jack Burden. This novel also reminds me of The Angle of Repose by Wallace Stegner.

It is a successful novel, a literary classic.

A few quotes from the book:

Yeah, I heard the speech. But they don't give a damn about that. Hell, make 'em cry, make 'em laugh, make 'em think you're their weak erring pal, or make 'em think you're Gold-Almighty. Or make 'me mad. Even mad at you. Just stir 'em up, it doesn't matter how or why, and they'll love yo and come back for more. Pinch 'em in the soft place. They aren't alive, most of 'em, and haven't been alive in twenty years. Hell, their wives have lost their teeth and their shape, and likker won't set on their stomachs, and they don't believe in God, so it's up to you to give 'em something to stir 'em up and make 'em feel alive again. Just for half an hour. That's what they come for. Tell 'em anything. But for Sweet Jesus' sake don't try to improve their minds. (p.108)

One feels incredulity at the first breaking of a habit, but horror at the violation of a principle. Therefore what virtue and honor I had known in the past had been an accident of habit and not the fruit of will. Or can virtue be the fruit of human will? The thought is pride. p.254

We wrote every day, but the letters began to seem like checks drawn on the summer's capital. There had been a lot in the bank, but it is never good business practice to live on your capital, and I had the feeling, somehow, of living on the capital and watching something dwindle. p.449 (long-distance relationship)

阳阳看神经科医生，讨论 MRI 结果的报告

2008-09-03T12:41:00.000-07:00

阳阳17个月＋3周。MRI 是两周前做的。今天去医生那里讨论结果。报告上的 findings:
The brain stem is small and ventral pons is flattened. There is exophitic soft tissue mass in the right lateral aspect of the medulla, measuring 12mm x 12mm. This demonstrates similar signal intensity to the adjacent normal brainstem tissue and no abnormal enhancement is seen. The left cerebellar hemisphere is smaller than the right.

其它都正常。

我听到的意思是：

1，pons 很平，所以 motor skills 方面的发育比较慢。

2，medulla 旁边个有一个不正常的突起，1.2cm 大小，跟周围的组织的成分是一样的，要继续观察。每年做一次脑部 MRI，看是否增大，变成肿瘤。

3，左边的 cerebellar 比右边的小，所以阳阳的右手弱，左手强。需要加强物理治疗，每周2－3次。

医生对这些脑部的不正常还不算太着急。她说算是 cerebral palsey，脑部形成的时候就这样，不是生产时的损伤。经过早期治疗，可以有正常的生活。

医生说我们更应该留意自闭症（autism）的倾向。她就说阳阳脑袋好像很大，测量了一下，比同期孩子都大不少。她说很多自闭症的孩子都脑袋大。

医生说每隔两个月要看阳阳，定期审核。

我本来就知道阳阳有点不正常，听了医生的解释，反而安心了。知道有什么问题，就容易预防和治疗。

小帅哥阳阳，还有阳阳和小表姐（图）

2008-09-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

妈妈都觉得我帅呢。

去年 labor day weekend:

今年：

开爷爷的 Aston Martin (阿斯顿马丁)

====

阳阳和小表姐的幻灯片：

阳阳睡了整天的觉，会不会是生病了？

2008-08-31T22:43:00.000-07:00

昨天去爷爷家玩，见到小表姐，玩得很疯，还练习上下楼梯。平时他八点睡觉。昨天玩到到晚上八点半，我们走的时候，阳阳已经累得不行了，一上车就睡着了。睡到今天下午一点半，我们一直等他醒来去吃饭，最后只好把他吵醒。他醒来就坐在床上喝奶，然后又要躺下，休息了半个多小时才勉强站起来。我们推车带他上街找吃的。他蔫蔫的不出声，后来只吃了几口。回家路上，他见到别人的爆米花就开始哭闹。赶快给他买了个 muffin 吃着顶饱。他边吃边哭，没见过哭得那么厉害的，怎么哄也不行，街上人都看着我们。后来终于到家了，躺在我身边才不哭。平时他从来不肯跟我躺着。一定还是累。给他弄点吃的，很快都吃了。已经下午4点，想带他去公园玩。他坐在那里翻书，好像很没力气。四点半放他到小床上，他又睡了，现在快六点了。

他这是怎么了？昨晚连睡了17个小时，今天下午又睡。从来没见他睡这么多觉。会不会是生病了？

阳阳对车的痴狂热爱（小电影）

2008-08-26T00:06:00.000-07:00

阳阳一天到晚不停的说 car。我从来没见过这么爱车的人。以前见到车他说，car。我跟着说，car, yeah, car, 汽车。他后来以为 car 和 yeah 是一个词，见到车就说 car-yeah-car-yeah，声音洪亮，街对面的人都能听到。他其实喜爱的不是车，而是轮胎。

1.5 months ago:

阳阳的物理治疗 occupational therapy

2008-08-25T22:14:00.000-07:00

今天 Regional Center (HRC) 的 occupational therapist Sally 来家给阳阳做治疗。这是她第二次来。上周她来的时候，只是听了我的报告，做了一些观察，并没有动手做任何治疗。我们以前在医院的康复中心做治疗，那个治疗师 Marita 很耐心，很友善，每次都给阳阳练这练那的。我决定转到 HRC 是因为1）免费；2）上门治疗，省了一小时的车程。可是我觉得 Sally 没什么帮助，就想等阳阳的石膏拆了以后，去 Marita 那里做一个 re-evaluation，因为我觉得也许阳阳的右手（弱）的 fine motor skills 经过这一个月的锻炼，能够赶上左手，不需要继续治疗了。
上周 Sally 来家，看到阳阳会走路了，而且能蹲下，又站起来，觉得阳阳的 gross motor skills 已经赶上来了，不用担心。他刚学走路，最近肯定要专心练习走路，上坡，上下楼梯，没有心思练习 fine motor skills。正好他的左手打了石膏，可以练习右手。她还看到阳阳非常 social，喜欢跟我们玩笑。她记下了阳阳的词汇量，还教我怎么引导阳阳学习说话。她认为再观察阳阳几次，也许就能让阳阳“毕业”。

今天上午，阳阳比较独立，不大愿意坐下来跟 Sally 做游戏，看书，也不听话。比如我们让他拿本书，他硬是不拿，不知道是听不懂还是不肯拿。我们让他玩 Sorter 和 Stacker，他拿了个 block 就跑掉了，不肯配合。叫他的名字，他根本不听。教他说“book"，他也不跟着学。

我说阳阳最喜欢的是车，整天就是说 car，指着各种轮胎说 car，还能一个人坐着看好久汽车的书，不给看还发脾气。Sally 觉得这个 obsession 不好，应该把汽车的书都暂时收起来，让阳阳接触一些其它的东西。唉，我正打算给阳阳买几本汽车的书呢，因为他最喜欢的是我老公小时的书，我不想他把书看坏了。

Sally 让我多加留意阳阳的社交，为什么叫他名字他不应，为什么他不喜欢模仿大人说话和动作，为什么他喜欢自己玩，不大跟同龄小朋友玩，等等。她说，18-24个月是观察 autism 自闭症的时间，如果有任何奇怪行为，在这个阶段会更加显示。本来我已经不再想阳阳跟自闭症有任何关系了，因为他最近很喜欢跟我玩。但 Sally 的一番话，又引起我的担心。的确，阳阳特别独立，可以一个人玩很久。跟别的小朋友在一起的时候，总觉得他少一根筋，别人抢他东西，他还笑呵呵的，拿不到东西也不会高兴，除非是把汽车的书拿走。他不大会察言观色。平时总是心情很好的样子。

幸好，现在有个专业的儿童发育治疗师，定期来家治疗和观察，如果有任何问题，可以得到及时的诊断和治疗。

给神经科医生打了电话问 MRI 结果，只遇到留言机。等着。

我把家里所有有汽车和火车的书都收起来了。我准备这几天集中教阳阳动物，从兔子开始，因为兔这个字可能比较好年。那些大象啦，恐龙啦，牛羊啦，蛇啦，鸟啦，都很难说的。英文倒是好讲。:( 他已经掌握了“鱼”的概念。

另外，阳阳的石膏可能不舒服，他老是用手去抠，又抠不到。我想翻开口上的纱布，石膏很紧，隐约看到一点，皮肤被粘住了，可能有些过敏。明天带他去看医生的 technician。

'Car, yeah. Car, yeah'

2008-08-23T22:45:00.000-07:00

阳阳把所有的水都叫“nai1-nai1”。我在浇花，他指着水管说，“nai1-nai1”。

天上有飞机经过，阳阳把右手一翻，横在胸前，做一个飞机的手语。

阳阳看到书上的熊猫，树熊，和各种小熊，都用手指一指，然后摸摸胸脯，做一个“小熊”的手语。

东西掉了，阳阳说，“掉”。

阳阳还是把所有圆形的水果统称“机大”，葡萄啦，橙子啦，苹果啦，鸭梨啦。他最喜欢吃葡萄和西瓜。

我指着闹钟的图画说，滴答滴答滴答钟，阳阳也高兴的说，“滴答滴答”。

阳阳看到灯和电线杆，都说，“灯呐，灯呐”，不知道那个呐字是从哪里来的。

阳阳知道鱼，发音是“玉”，第四声。

我教阳阳小耗子的手语，摸鼻子。阳阳也摸摸鼻子，冲我笑。

阳阳看到大象，把手伸长，试尝做大象的手语。
阳阳看到狗，听到狗，还有猫，都说“dog"，然后拍腿。他永远分不清狗和猫的区别。今天在公园里，有个10个月的小男孩向他爬过来，他指着小宝宝说，dog。我忙跟小孩的爸爸解释说，阳阳以为爬的都是狗。谁知等小男孩站起来，我们都看到他衣服上有个小狗的图画。原来所有的狗都逃不过阳阳的眼镜。

阳阳最最最钟爱的是车。我从来没见过这么爱车的人。他整天到晚就说，"car, yeah, car, yeah“，声音洪亮，街对面的人都能听到。他以前见到车就说，car，然后我说，car, yeah, car, 汽车。他现在以为 car 和 yeah 是一个词，见到车就说 car-yeah-car-yeah，好玩极了。他其实喜爱的不是车，而是轮胎。

阳阳喝 Gatorade 不睡觉

2008-08-22T21:32:00.000-07:00

上午去海滩玩，水都喝光了，有瓶 Gatorade，就给他喝了一些。现在他不睡午觉，玩闹了一个多小时了。不知是 Gatorade 还是玩得兴奋过头，不睡了。他每天都定时睡觉的。今天在海滩上玩得更累，以为可以睡个好觉。唉！
Gatorade 是兴奋的吗？知道运动的人要喝这个来补充水分和盐分。我老公整天喝这个。以为只是rehydrate用的，不是energy drink。真后悔啊。

平时阳阳中午从12点睡到两点半或三点。今天他不睡，我们就一起玩，还看电视，唱歌跳舞。后来三点半把他放到小床中，他终于睡了。五点才醒。本来我们四点要去 Moms' Club 的活动，等我们五点半到了，大家已经开始散伙了。我们还是赖在那里，玩到六点半才回家。
晚上八点半放阳阳睡觉。他很困，睡得很好。

阳阳17月＋1周：做脑部 MRI 扫描的报告

2008-08-21T22:54:00.000-07:00

今天中午带阳阳去拍脑部 MRI 片子。

因为早上六点钟以后不能吃东西，10点钟后不能喝东西，我整夜都没怎么睡，想着什么时候叫醒阳阳喂东西吃。另外还担心拍片子时要给他全麻的危险，也担心他上午饿，担心各种各样的意外。阳阳好像知道有什么事要发生似的，睡一会儿就哭几声。到了五点一刻我就躺不住了，爬起来，弄东西给阳阳吃。阳阳却睡得沉沉的，满脸的安详。真舍不得叫醒他。我就望着他看了很久。然后开了他最喜欢的跳舞音乐，开大了灯，等他醒来。他睁眼看到我们坐在他身旁，又新奇又开心。喂他喝了点牛奶，吃了他喜欢的 pasta 和 cheerios。然后放他回床上睡觉。他又高兴的睡去了。我也睡了一会儿。我们九点多才醒。赶快喂了点苹果汁和水。上路了。

路上我怕他饿，就一边开车一边陪他玩。他很乖，后来自己跟窗外的卡车司机笑。

到了 UCLA 医院，已经晚了半小时。护士说还有时间。先给阳阳右手臂涂了麻药，等了十来分钟，插上 IV 针头。阳阳虽然不疼，但知道几个护士围着他，肯定是做什么事，害怕得哭了几声。护士向我核对了阳阳的全名，生日，和今天要做的 procedure (MRI, for mental retardation???)。我抱他去了 MRI 房。接上 IV 后，他反抗了几下，就昏昏睡去了。也是他睡觉的时候了。护士给他胸口上贴了 sensors，手上脚上也夹了 sensors，耳朵里放了耳塞，又戴了耳套，盖上白色小毛巾。我看着他小小的人，躺在巨大的 MRI 机器下，觉得好可怜。

阳阳是十二点一刻左右进去的。护士说给他的 sedation 不是动手术那种力度的麻醉，因为不疼，只是要他睡觉，扫描起来可以不动。整个扫描需要50分钟。我在走廊外面等。我听着房间里面机器的呜－呜－呜的轰轰声。

不知多久，忽然听到有个小孩声音，赶快过去机房，看到门已经开了，阳阳不见了。去护士房，看到阳阳正躺在病床上睡觉。护士说一切正常，让我可以先买午餐。我虽然带了不少阳阳的食品，但怕阳阳饿醒挑食，又买了牛奶，蛋饼，汉堡包，面汤回来。

两点钟，护士轻轻推醒阳阳。他迷迷糊糊睁开眼。我连忙送上牛奶。阳阳不喝。他好奇的打量着护士房。几个护士都上前逗他玩。阳阳的人缘总是这么好。刚才打针的时候，几个护士都抢着抱他。现在，护士们拿了玩具和贴纸给他。过了好几分钟，阳阳终于醒过来了，又说又笑的，还想爬起来。我喂了他一点牛奶，就收拾东西告辞了。

回家的路上，阳阳开始饿了，要东要西的。我迫切的想满足他的一切需要，能喂他的都喂了。可是他就是不肯吃胡萝卜。 :) 到了家，赶快继续开餐。阳阳的胃口也好极了。我们大吃了一餐。

护士说他刚醒过来一两小时内可能行动不太方便，不要让他到处乱跑。下午我就在床上陪阳阳读书。他安静的坐着，乖乖的看着书上的图片，指着练习发音。我依偎在他小小的身体，感到幸福极了。

不知结果怎样？我一方面觉得阳阳很健康，没有什么事，根本不需要照片子。另一方面我也暗自知道阳阳有些问题，也许正如医生所怀疑的，是脑部问题。阳阳虽然好像各方面发育比同期小朋友都慢一些，但我觉得他非常聪明，活泼，健康，而且独立，肯定不是 mental retardation。我查了一下几个医生提到的 cerebral palsy 的资料，中文是脑瘫。有点害怕。先不想了。

阳阳左臂打了石膏，右臂绑了绷带，是个小可怜。爸爸说他的样子很帅，穿着蓝黄色的小背心，手臂上绑着蓝色绷带，象是 Kobe Bryan。

晚上吃饭的时候，爸爸说这回他们父子都做过 MRI，机器声音呜－呜－呜的。阳阳也笑着说，呜－呜－呜。这个小可爱。

野生动物园

2008-08-17T22:44:00.000-07:00

昨天带阳阳去 Wild Animal Park，开了四个多小时车才到。在车里阳阳只睡了一个小时，后来有些闹。我们吃了 In-N-Out Burger，给他几口。他很开心。

动物园里，他见到一个小瀑布，就积极的说，奶奶，奶奶。他现在见到水就叫奶。

见到池塘就叫，duck，duck。看到各种鸟都叫鸭子。

看到狮子他就摸头发。

看了一个 Bubble Show，唱歌、贫嘴、吹泡泡的。阳阳不肯跟我们坐，自己到处走来走去，还要爬楼梯。他手臂上打了石膏，到哪里都很引人注意。后来还被表演的叔叔吓哭了。泡泡来的时候，他糊里糊涂不知道怎么玩。

坐 tram 的时候，他一定要自己站着，人矮，什么也看不到，还很高兴。

见到一家四口，小男孩快四岁了，才28磅。阳阳已经27磅了。这个大小伙子。

回家的时候，一上车就睡着了，从七点半睡到今天早上10点半。

后悔送阳阳去 family day care

2008-08-15T23:25:00.000-07:00

上午我把阳阳送到附近的那个看宝宝的妈妈家。两个月前阳阳曾经去过几次，和他们家的同龄小男孩玩得很好的。我这次只是想给阳阳机会跟同龄小朋友玩，但我认识的附近的妈妈们都不跟我们玩，只好想了这个花钱的办法，就算是 family day care。其实我很想参与阳阳和小朋友玩的活动。我把阳阳带到人家里，他就开始紧张了，可能知道我要离开，所以抱着我不放。我呆了十几分钟，阳阳跟小朋友在玩电视，那个妈妈说，我应该趁机离开。我就遛出去了。然后我就很后悔，因为我没有跟阳阳说再见，也没告诉他说我很快就回来接他。他以前对我离开根本不在乎，但最近他开始认我了，我不应该这样遛走。两小时后我去接他。那个妈妈说阳阳哭了十分钟就好了。可我一想到阳阳哭的那十分钟，心里就觉得很对不起他。本来我想每周送他去玩两次，但我也许不该再送他去了。只是他整天跟我玩，没有固定的小伙伴，也很为难他呢。再说吧。
下午带阳阳参加一个音乐课。我事先就知道阳阳害怕上课，所以带好他的 lovey 红衣服。到了那里，我们坐得远远的，让阳阳有机会观察别人。他自己到处走来走去，还是有几次吓哭了，趴我怀里不敢出来。

我们在公园玩。天上来了直升飞机，阳阳用手一摆，做了个飞机的手语。好棒！

他看到熊，熊猫，树熊，都会做“小熊”的手语，右手（左手不能用）在胸前摸一摸。好可爱。

今天晚上老公给阳阳洗澡，让水进到 cast 里了。我真害怕阳阳的皮肤会不舒服，受罪。想用 hair dryer 帮他吹一吹，他害怕，哭。只好作罢。明天再试试。

“客厅没有了”

2008-08-14T22:39:00.000-07:00

阳阳会说“灯”了。他指着吊灯说“灯”，指着台灯说“灯”，指着街灯说“灯”，指着汽车里的顶灯说“灯”，指着电梯的按钮说“灯”。前两天他指着天上的月亮说，“灯”。今天他指着书上的蜡烛说“灯”。

阳阳会说“duck“了。他指着书上的鸭子说“duck”;，指着画上的小鸡说“duck”，指着沙滩上的海鸥说“duck”，指着路边的鸽子说“duck”，指着天上的飞鸟说“duck“。昨天他指着海边的锚的雕像说“duck”。我看了很久，发现那个雕像的确有些象鸭子。

阳阳会打手语，摆摆小手，表示“没有了”。饭吃完了，他摆摆手。水喝完了，他摆摆手。奶昔嘬不上来，他摆摆手。拿到一只空碗，他摆摆手。玩具不响了，他摆摆手，“玩具的声音没有了”。他亲我身上的衣服，我走开一下，他无可奈何的摆摆手，“妈妈的衣服没有了”。昨天老公在家看他，把通向客厅的走廊用栏杆挡住了，他过不去，自己摆摆手，“客厅没有了”。

阳阳走路不到两个礼拜，就能转身，能蹲能站，胳膊上还打着石膏。

2008-08-11T22:59:00.000-07:00

阳阳是快17个月才会走路的，但一走就很好了。做妈妈的真为他骄傲。他这个小可怜，胳膊上打了石膏，还这么高兴，因为他能走了！

上石膏的前两天：

跟着音乐跳舞：

阳阳17月：独臂小英雄

2008-08-09T20:44:00.000-07:00

可怜的阳阳，左手打了石膏，只能用他不喜欢的右手。以前都是右手扶着，左手搞东搞西的。现在呢，被逼着用右手。吃饭的时候，用右手捡东西吃。看书的时候，用右手翻页。玩的时候，用右手拿玩具。Peek-a-boo 时，用右手捂右眼，左眼自觉的紧紧闭上。跳舞的时候，右手打拍子。他可以一只手推小车走。这两天学会自己站起来了，撅了小屁股，用右手撑着地，一使劲，就站起来了。有时候他烦了，右手摸着左臂，可怜兮兮的样子。他只知道不舒服，但不知道为什么。
昨天带他去参加 moms club 的活动，八对妈妈和孩子在小公园里聚会。妈妈们说，阳阳比一周前走得进步多多了，这样下去，很快就能跑了。我对孩子走路没有经验，但我也觉得阳阳走得很稳，很快，很少摔跤。

今天带阳阳去 Getty Museum 玩。下午在草坪上坐着听音乐会。好多小孩子呢。满场就是阳阳到处走来走去，东看看，西看看，上坡下坡，摔倒了又爬起来，忙个不停。他真有独立的个性。

阳阳喜欢用打了石膏的手向人招手问好。他那样子，真是又可怜又可爱。

阳阳指着一只石头鸭子说，“大，大”，duck？我们在码头上看到海鸥，他也说，大大，duck？

阳阳不能区分猫和狗，见到街上的书上的电视上的猫，就很自信的说，dog，还拍拍腿。

阳阳见到任何可以按电钮的东西，就说，“灯”。我们在 Getty 要乘很多次电梯，每次他都兴奋的指着电钮说，灯。

阳阳16月＋4周：阳阳学的认知(cognitive)进步

2008-08-07T23:05:00.000-07:00

阳阳试尝说“鞋”。他的发音是“西”。
阳阳对汽车的酷爱是惊人的。他随时随刻都能找到汽车，街上的，杂志上的，壁画上的，照片上的，衣服上的，窗外的，门外的。。。。从阳阳这里我看到，美国的汽车文化是这样的无孔不入。

阳阳对 "dog" 的发音越来越准了，而且每次必要拍腿，即使是手放在 high chair 的桌面上，也要费力的把手塞下去，拍拍腿。条件反射了。他也能看到很远的狗，听到微弱的狗的叫声。今天，邻居的伯伯过来搭讪，阳阳就拍腿说，“dog"。我们看附近没有狗啊。忽然想到，邻居的伯伯家里有只大狗，经常跟伯伯一起逛街的，阳阳肯定是在问伯伯的狗在哪里。这个聪明的小孩！

阳阳喜欢指着灯说，“灯”。他的发音越来越准了。

阳阳能从一群动物的图画中，认出狮子来，还用手摸头发，做狮子的手语。

今天早上带阳阳去 Regional Center 听讲座，去了才知道小孩子要放在 child care，不参加讲座。我进了那间有不少玩具、小桌椅、电视的房间，一个黑人阿姨正跟一个小男孩玩。阳阳很快就加入了玩卡车的游戏。我转身出门。阳阳看到我出门，走过来要跟着。我说你在这里玩一会儿，妈妈就回来接你。我在门外听到他大哭。这还是头一次把阳阳留在托管孩子的地方。我想过一会儿阳阳就该好了，因为平时他特别独立，不论是在自己家还是在别人家，我出出进进，他都不在意。没想到这次阳阳可不干了。把他抱来会议室找我的阿姨告诉我说，我走后，阳阳就趴在门上，一边敲一边哭一边大叫妈妈。我心里听了怎么有点美滋滋的。阳阳见到我就裂嘴笑。阳阳终于认人了！

阳阳特别喜欢听音乐，一边听一边打拍子，一边跳。我也跟着他兴奋。早上醒来，阳阳指着窗户说，car, car，让我开窗户。然后他指着录音机，让我给他放他最喜欢的音乐，一边听一边打拍子、颠屁股跳舞。然后他指着书架，让我那音乐书给他看，边看边听边跳舞。我只是最近几天才每天早上开窗户，给他听歌。这个小人儿已经知道程序了。晚上睡觉，我把他放到床力，转身去开催眠曲。阳阳看到我去弄录音机，扶着小床站着，开始颠颠了，以为我要给他听白天的音乐。这个小家伙！
阳阳脾气特别好，跟别的小朋友玩，从来不生气，不着急，小朋友欺负他，他还笑嘻嘻的，以为人家跟他玩呢。如果大孩子欺负他，我就把他带走，不想他跟坏孩子学坏。阳阳是个特别淳朴，没有心眼儿，大方又大气的孩子。希望他一辈子好人缘，不被人欺负。

阳阳手腕摔坏，打石膏

2008-08-07T22:15:00.000-07:00

今天一早就打电话约骨科医生，准备给阳阳照片子。阳阳是大前天（星期一）下午从小床上摔下来的。当时看了 urgent care，医生说要观察有没有脑部受伤。虽然我说阳阳的左手臂好像很疼，不能用力，但医生说手臂没有断，就没给拍片子。结果前天和昨天几次用手撑地，弄痛手腕，哭得惊天动地。昨天听了做医生的公公的意见，今天尽早去看骨科医生。
约的医生正巧是给我先生做过手术、给我医过妈妈手的。在候诊室里，阳阳拿了本汽车杂志，一个劲儿的说，car, car, car, car,.... 整个候诊室的人都看着他笑。这个小可怜。拍X光的时候，我要给他看汽车杂志，才能让他坐稳。等了很久，医生才来，指着片子说，阳阳的手腕的骨头损伤，因为是小孩，骨头软，没有断也没有裂，但弯了一点，需要打石膏。我看片子看不出什么问题，但我庆幸带阳阳来看骨科，得到专家的诊断。后来有个护士来，让阳阳挑了蓝色的石膏，又回来给阳阳打石膏。阳阳很乖，一边看汽车杂志，一边让护士给打石膏。小可怜的胳膊被固定住了。

回家的路上阳阳就累得睡着了。睡的不踏实，经常醒来哭，一定是石膏弄得难受。

下午，只能带阳阳去室内的游乐场玩。打石膏的护士说，阳阳用左手没有问题。但阳阳玩的时候，几乎不用左手。正好我要训练阳阳多用右手，他平时还不愿意，这次可好，整整一个月只能用右手。本来左右手的发育相差很远，手一大一小，胳膊一粗一细。一个月下来，也许右手能进步很多，也不用去做 occupational therapy 了。

可怜的阳阳。洗澡要很注意，不能让胳膊进水。晚上怕他睡觉热，穿得很少，又怕着凉。他睡一会儿就哭几声，胳膊硬邦邦不舒服。这才是第一天。

全家人都怨我。我也没什么好说的。阳阳受罪，我自己也受罪。

阳阳明天就17个月了。

我回来了！

我的石膏还漂亮吧？

我能做点什么呢？

一只手推车，去采购

开餐馆

第一个顾客来了

阳阳，你干什么？！

阳阳摔了手腕

2008-08-06T22:45:00.000-07:00

礼拜一下午，阳阳醒来，我要去抱他，把 crib 一边降下来，然后到隔壁拿个东西，结果就听咚的一声。天呐，阳阳从床上栽了下来。哭得惊天动地。

我又是自责，又是心疼。观察了一阵，觉得阳阳脑袋应该没摔坏。只是他每次把左手撑在地上，就疼的大哭。我就带他去了 urgent care 看医生。医生跟我说了 head injury 的注意事项，又捏了捏胳膊，说没骨折，可能摔下来时受了伤。没给 x-ray。

那天后来阳阳就不能爬了，左手一撑地就哭。晚上睡觉醒了好几次，哭着摸自己的胳膊。好可怜。

阳阳学走路，摔倒时会向前扑，用手撑住。礼拜二他摔了三次，用手撑了三次，每次都大哭不止。过后就好了。

今天礼拜三，我小心不让他摔，但下午还是摔了一跤，哭得天昏地暗。当场的两个妈妈告诉我说，应该立刻带阳阳去拍 X-ray 片子。

我公公是医生。我打电话问他，他说捏一捏手腕，如果疼得哭，就需要去拍片子。我本来想去我们的 PD，但他们肯定没有 X-ray，还是要再去另外地方拍片子。我公公叮嘱我要去找 Orthopedics 医生，因为他们比较懂，而且可以直接照片子。他还说不要再去 urgent care，因为他们也不很懂。

我以为小孩子恢复快，小伤痛两三天就好。我想应该不是骨折，因为阳阳可以很灵巧的用左手，只是不能撑着用力。

Ford Model A

2008-08-03T22:54:00.000-07:00

We got our fourth car today.

Mike's father dropped off his Ford Model A today in front of our garage. It was a car Mike's great grandfather bought in 1928 back in Omaha. Great grandfather was a doctor and he used to drive the car to visit patients. I rode in the car twice before, once in the front and once in the back. It is a lot of fun because of its novelty. Mike's father has done a great job restoring the car to a beautiful state.

We could not start the car at first, so we had to leave it in front of the driveway for a while. When we got back from our outings, a man, a teenage boy, and a girl was looking at the car carefully. The man asked us if we owned the car, and we said yes, since a few hours ago. He thought that was funny. They watched Mike trying to start the car again, but eventually they decided to help us push the car into the garage.

I put Logan onto the passenger seat, and sat behind the wheels to "drive" while Mike and the two onlookers pushed the car. When we got in, Mike asked me to pull on the hand break. Upon hearing the instruction, Logan reached out to a gear shifter and tried to pull on it. I told him it was the wrong lever, but nonetheless, he looked like a natural. He has got his father and grandfather's genes for car. His favorite word is "car" and he talks about cars and points at cars everywhere all day long.

Now we have two cars in our garage that we do not drive: Ford Model A, and Mazda RX7. I can't say that I am proud of collecting cars, because I am worried about our environment and I have negative feelings about American car culture. But I do like driving a good car, and I appreciate all the ingenuity and workmanship that go into making a great car.

阳阳16月＋3周：阳阳目前的词汇量

2008-08-03T22:05:00.000-07:00

阳阳目前的词汇量：

1) nai1-nai1: 奶，（杯子里的）水（注：今天在海边，阳阳指着大海说，nai1-nai1）

2) ka2: car, 各种机动车，包括汽车，卡车（注：阳阳每天说得最多得就是这个字）

3) ma1-ma1: 妈妈，爸爸，回家（注：每次出门，快到家的时候阳阳就开始叫妈妈）

4) da2-chee4: cheese

5) dao4: dog，狗，猫，各种四只脚的动物（注：一边说还一边用手拍腿，做手语）

6) ding1: 灯（注：一边说一边用手指灯，最近三天学的）

下面的字不常用，可能的用法是妈妈猜的

7) ji-dan4: 面包，葡萄（注：不常用，大概通指食物）

8) du4: 掉了

9) ya1-ya1-ya1: 眼镜蛇（注：妈妈快速伸吐舌头来学眼镜蛇的声音，到阳阳那里就成了丫丫丫）

手语：

1) 狗

2) 没有了，all gone

3) 小熊

4) 狮子

阳阳应该还是很聪明的，可能妈妈教得太少了。做妈妈的实在不知道应该怎样教宝宝。

阳阳最喜欢的一张照片是妈妈站在爸爸的越野车前面。阳阳每天早上都指着要拿照片，然后双手碰着照片大声说，car, mama, car, mama。记得当时阳阳还在妈妈的肚子里呢。

Logan's videos (16 months)

2008-07-31T21:12:00.000-07:00

阳阳16个月。

阳阳玩水：

阳阳欺负小表姐：阳阳报仇

10个月前，表姐欺负阳阳(这个 video 有 118,000 views)：

阳阳的儿语：

阳阳听音乐，手舞足蹈（还做狗的手语，说dog）：

阳阳推车子：

阳阳自言自语：

阳阳会走路了！（16个月3周）

童趣：太热了，吹吹

2008-07-28T23:14:00.000-07:00

阳阳吹吹。

平时给阳阳喂饭，如果太烫了，我就说，“不能吃，太热了”，然后吹一吹勺子上的饭，发出呼呼的声音。

最近几天，每次我吹热饭，阳阳也学我的样子，小嘴吹吹，发出呼呼的声音。

前天很热，我想给阳阳换短袖，阳阳不配合，想玩。我说，“乖乖，换件衣服，这件太热了。”

只见阳阳冲我宛然一笑，小嘴吹吹，发出呼呼的声音。

阳阳16月3周：阳阳磕破门牙，开始走路

2008-07-28T23:04:00.000-07:00

今天阳阳把门牙给摔破了。在诊所等医生的时候，阳阳闲着无聊，开始走路。我不知难过还是高兴。

早上我们的管家告诉我说，她身体不好，不做了。我就有些郁闷，整天都无精打采的。老公下班回来，要去沙滩打球。我没力气推阳阳去附近的公园，就开车带了阳阳去远一点的 tot lot 的小公园，是阳阳最喜欢的公园。下了车，我让阳阳拉着我的手走去，就十几二十步路。阳阳很新鲜，东看西看的，走路步稳当。马上就要到门闸的时候，阳阳突然腿软，向前摔了下去，嘴巴磕到马路上。阳阳大哭起来。我抱起来一看，糟糕，嘴角都是血，从门牙上流出来。我心疼地抱着他，进了公园找桌子坐下来，想给他喂点水，把血弄干净，看看是伤哪里了。一个好心的妈妈给我拿来湿纸巾。我一擦阳阳的嘴，他就哭得更厉害。我吓坏了，不知是不是牙齿给磕掉了。阳阳停哭的时候，我看了看，牙齿还在。给他牛奶喝，他一嘬杯子嘴，就哭起来。一定是疼了。

我已经带阳阳去医院急诊室两次了。第一次是嘴唇摔破，缝了四针。第二次就磕了眼角，阳阳只在家里哭了两分钟就好了，但我还是去看急诊，等了很久，我都不想看医生了，结果是劳民伤财。我就觉得自己可能太紧张了，以后不能一点小事就去看急诊。今天我就想看看，如果阳阳哭一会就好了，那我就不带他去看医生。

结果阳阳断断续续哭个不停。我抱他在公园里看，给他看小狗，推他玩他喜欢的小汽车，他只安静一会儿，又伤心的哭起来。我想这次一定问题严重，就打电话给儿科医生。他们说不受理这种急诊，让我去 urgent care。还好，我开车来的，就抱了阳阳上车，往我家附近的 urgent care station 去。

阳阳开始狂哭。我吓坏了。一路上都是 stop signs，一个接一个，又是单线。我着急得所有 stop signs 都跟着前面的车冲过去，后来还超车。受不了阳阳那么委屈的哭声。十五分钟后，来到 urgent care。

在候诊室里，阳阳不哭了，好奇的东张西望，跟候诊的病人和家属热情的打招呼，传媚眼。他爬一会，又扶着椅子走来走去，跟人家玩捉迷藏。大家都说他很快就要走了。我说，这个结论早就说破嘴皮了。两三个月前，就以为他快要走了呢，他还是爬，而且爬得越来越快，越灵活。

我除了两本书外，没带什么玩具。等了将近一个小时，候诊室里能玩的东西都玩了。阳阳忽然走起路来。他从椅子走到门，门走到椅子，有时自己站着，摇摇摆摆练习平衡。他没有十足把握的时候，是不迈步的，前方没有能扶到的东西的时候，也不迈步。原来阳阳是个谨慎的小伙子。

候诊室的人都为阳阳高兴。阳阳更加来劲了，走路之前还要看看是不是有人在看他表演，还要把小胸脯挺一挺，得意极了。哈哈，我做妈妈的更加得意。

护士给量了体重，阳阳居然在秤上站了几秒钟。27 磅。在房间里面等很久。阳阳有些闹，我尽量逗他玩。他大笑的时候，我看到右上的门牙被磕掉一小块，前面牙龈都肿了，还有血迹。好心疼。

医生进来，看了一分钟，说没事，牙齿磕了，早晚要掉的（听起来也很吓人）。他让我们用漱口水给阳阳擦牙龈，消毒。然后吃点止痛药。三天之后复诊。

回到家，阳阳又开始推车子走，再也不肯自己走。我想，是不是因为家里没有候诊室那么多能扶着的椅子？我记得半个月前在另外一个医生的候诊室里，阳阳也走了好几步呢。

饭后给阳阳擦牙龈。他很听话的张开嘴，但漱口水毕竟有些刺激，阳阳抗议了一下。我们决定先不给他止痛药。

阳阳睡觉了。希望他能睡个好觉，嘴唇不要肿得太厉害，明天再高高兴兴的走路，不再摔跤。

Book: Seabiscuit

2008-07-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

I got Laura Hillenbrand's Seabiscuit from the library for $0.50, and since it had top rating at amazon.com, I began reading it. When the movie came out a few years ago, I didn't see it in the theater. Everyone told me that it was a "guy's movie". I only saw part of it on a train (from San Francisco to Los Angeles), and thought it was all fictional.

But it is all real in history. Charles Howard. Tom Smith. Red Pollard. George Woolf. Seabiscuit.

This book is not about a racehorse. It is about a lost era, about those "dear, dead days".

After reading the book, I become fascinated with horse race, and I want to go to racecourses and see real horse racing. I have been to Churchill Downs, Santa Anita, and the Detroit Race Course, but I didn't know anything about horse race before, and I missed the real excitement. I have checked to see the racecourses near us. The Hollywood Park is in our area, and it was where Seabiscuit won the inaugural Hollywood Gold Cup in 1938. Santa Anita is like a home to Seabiscuit, and there is a statue of the horse and the jockey Iceman Woolf. So many stories of Seabiscuit happened there. I really want to go and see it again. When I told people that I wanted to see horse racing, they

Here's a list of all California horse racing venues from Wikipedia (there are more from other sites):

Santa Anita Park racecourse
Bay Meadows, San Mateo, California
Golden Gate Fields, Albany, California
Del Mar Racetrack, Del Mar, California
Fairplex, Pomona, California
Hollywood Park Racetrack, Inglewood, California
Los Alamitos, Los Alamitos, California
Santa Anita Park, Arcadia, California

Hillenbrand did a great job digging up lost history, organizing the materials, and telling the life of Seabiscuit and those of everyone around him. Her language is colorful and vivid, and sometimes very sensational. For example:

His (Johnny Pollard) emotions were liquid; his anger was a wild rage, his pleasure jubilation, his humor biting, his sorrow and empathy a bottomless abyss. (p.51)

Below is an interesting "observation" of the depression era:

In the winter of 1937, America was in the seventh year of the most catastrophic decade in its history. The economy had come crashing down, and millions upon millions of people had been torn loose from their jobs, their savings, their homes. A nation that drew its audacity from the quintessentially American belief that success is open to anyone willing to work for it was disillusioned by seemingly intractable poverty. The most brash of peoples was seized by despair, fatalism, and fear. The sweeping devastation was giving rise to powerful new social forces. The first was a burgeoning industry of escapism. America was desperate to lose itself in anything that offered affirmation. The nation's corner theaters hosted 85 million people a week for 25-cent viewings of an endless array of cheery musicals and screwball comedies. On the radio, the idealized world of One Man's Family and the just and reassuring tales of The Lone Ranger were runaway hits. Downtrodden Americans gravitated strongly toward the Horatio Alger protagonist, the lowly bred Everyman who rises from anonymity and hopelessness. They looked for him in spectator sports, which were enjoying explosive growth. With the relegalization of wagering, no sport was growing faster than Thoroughbred racing.

Note the part about "cheery musicals and screwball comedies". See my movie review for the 1930s.

I've just signed up for a membership at The Daily Racing Form. I don't know what I am going to do with it....

关于 Bach/Brahms Chaconne 3

2008-07-24T14:50:00.000-07:00

我第一次正式听巴赫的恰空，是两年前，在一个教会举行的午间音乐会上。演奏者是 Timothy Fain，一个很帅的年轻小提琴家。为了写音乐会报告，我在网上查了不少关于恰空的资料，整理了一番，作为我对巴赫恰空最初的理性认识。这是我写的报告中关于恰空的（英文）：

The main piece is Bach Partita No.2 in D minor for solo violin (BWV 1004). It was written in the period 1717-1723, dedicated to the memory of his first wife. The partita is composed of five parts, combining different folk traditions—Allemande (German), Courrant (French), Saraband (Spanish or Oriental), Gigue (French), and Chaconne (Spanish or Moorish). A common theme is shared among the first four parts. The 15-minute long Chaconne runs over the time of all other four parts together, overshadowing the remainder of the partita. It is considered a pinnacle in the solo violin repertoire, covering almost every aspect of violin playing known during Bach’s time, and it is among the most difficult pieces to play on any instrument. Different transcriptions of the piece were made by Busoni (piano), Brahms (piano left hand), Segovia (guitar), and Stokowski (orchestra), among others. It also represents the zenith of polyphonic writing for a non-keyboard instrument. Having listened to Bach’s unaccompanied cello suites many times, I had no doubt that Bach’s solo violin would be magnificent.

Fain was well prepared to tackle all the technical difficulties. At first his whole body moved a lot with the emotion of the piece, which was distracting to me because he was very tall. Half way through the piece, he became more absorbed in the music and his movement was reduced. In Chaconne, there were a lot of technical passages. He played with concentration and passion. It was especially exciting to watch him play the passage of 32nd-note arpeggio over all four strings. However, musically I got lost after a while. A few times I thought the music had reached the climax and was coming to an end, but Bach kept going and Fain kept going. After several false climaxes, I lost my concentration to listen. I did not realize the section was in the form of theme and variations. I think as a performer, one should pay good attention to the structure of the music, and be a guide to the audience and so they could understand where the music is going, help the audience hear how the composer wants the music to flow. Nonetheless, overall I greatly enjoyed this performance of Bach’s Violin Partita, for both Bach and Fain were full of surprises and excitement.

After the concert, I looked up the score of Chaconne (or Ciaccona) and read some analyses. It was actually composed of 64 “stunning” variation upon the “stark, open-ended” four measure theme in the beginning. The theme and its chord progression is on D, C#, Bb and A. The piece starts and ends in a D minor with a D major central section starting and ending in arpeggio. I listened to three recordings of this piece (by Arthur Grumiaux, Hilary Hahn, and Nathan Milstein) with the score. Full of triple, quadruple stops and arpeggio over four strings, it was truly a stunning piece, both technically and musically.

当时我听演奏的时候，听到一半我就跑神了。平时我听音乐都是这样的，除非手里有谱子，我是不会专心的把一个曲子从头听到尾的，即使是我自己弹奏的曲子，弹到一半我脑子就不知跑到那里去了，连我从未弹奏过的新曲子也如此。但是巴赫的恰空，时不时的带来新鲜的音乐，或是委婉，或是激昂，或是遥远，或是悲壮，总是召唤我回到音乐旁边。我发现我并不了解这首恰空的结构，不懂其写作格式和技巧，每个大段都有高潮，三次下来，我丢了方向。我还抱怨演奏者不能给我适当的指示。现在想来也是很好笑的。

演奏中，我印象最深的是前面 D minor 结束前的的那一大段32分音符的扒音，在小提琴的四根弦上，快速的来回穿梭。手指飞奔。我看着都紧张，手里捏着一把汗。这一段持续的时间很久，有8个变奏，大概两分钟。非常精彩。

我看钢琴谱的这一段，第二个变奏标的是 tranquillo，平静，第三个是 p e molto leggiero，轻及更加轻盈，好像是在孕育着后来的风暴。到后来才慢慢渐强起来。这些跨越度大、快速的32分音符，我练了很久，才能勉强把音都弹出、弹对，但轻盈这种力度却难以做到。紧接下来的是自由的、尽兴的感叹，感叹终于雨过天晴，D大调就要来到了。这一段成为我最喜欢练习的，因为不仅可以反复练手指、练技巧，体会和声微妙的变化，而且那种一气呵成的感觉真是太好了。

阳阳16月＋2周：阳阳恐惧上课

2008-07-23T23:11:00.000-07:00

昨天早上带阳阳去 gymboree 上 play & music 课，是给 16-22 个月的幼儿设计的，又玩又唱歌。我们去晚了，课已经开始15分钟，有五个孩子和妈妈（其中有个保姆）。房间好像是个儿童健身房，有很多设施，可以让小孩爬上爬下的。大家都在玩。老师是个很有精神的小伙子。我抱了阳阳过去。老师让大家坐在一起，他把一筐的塑料球从斜坡上倒出来，滚到孩子身前。老师一边玩，一边跟家长一起唱歌。所有孩子都兴奋极了，只有阳阳吓坏了，紧紧抱着我，然后开始大哭。我只好抱他到远一点的地方，让他看。集体活动几分钟结束，然后有几分钟自由活动，再集合，再分散。

结果，每次集体活动，阳阳都吓的不行，紧张地抓着我，躲在我身后，探出小脑袋，往大家那边看，目不转睛，看一会，又哭两声。如果我坐的离集体活动近了，阳阳就放开我，往屋角爬去，一边爬一边哭。后来我干脆抱了他，躲在一个城堡后面。他又害怕，又要看，我就让他远远的看。自由活动的时候，阳阳也不太敢放松，不敢玩。

阳阳两个多月的时候，我曾经带他去上过一阵子 baby yoga。老师和别的妈妈说，一般孩子第一次总是要哭的，因为不熟悉环境。阳阳哭了三个星期。后来干脆每到上课的那天，就改变自己的作息，不是困了要睡，就是一觉不醒，我上了几次课后，只好不去了。

阳阳10个多月的时候，我带他上了几次 music together 的音乐课。本来是10堂课，我们只去了6堂，其中三堂还是早走的，因为阳阳闹得不行。有时我带他早去，先熟悉一下环境，他就玩得很开心，但等大家都来了，围坐成一圈，阳阳就开始紧张了。唱歌了。一到所有人都兴奋的又拍手又跺脚大喊大笑的时候，阳阳就吓哭了，怎么也哄不了。后来他也干脆每到上课的日子，就睡不醒，我也只好作罢。

这次又是，阳阳不肯上课。要说他不合群，可每次到 playground 玩，他总是爬过去跟小朋友一起玩，还主动跟小孩大人猫狗都大招呼。跟同岁的邻居孩子和表哥表姐也能玩得很欢。他就是不肯上课。

下课了，老师去后面收拾东西，还有几个小朋友和妈妈在玩。阳阳也突然放松了。他爬到滑梯上，嘻嘻哈哈的冲下来，又爬到别的小孩那里跟人打招呼。后来老师出来了，阳阳又过去老师那里玩，还让老师扶他走路，爬楼梯。我就奇怪了。阳阳怎么直到开始是在上课，后来是在课后的自由时间？在我看，都是玩嘛！

我们玩了一会儿，下面一堂课的小朋友们陆续来了。老师看时间到了，就把小朋友们召集过去。阳阳听了老师组织下一班的活动，突然又害怕起来，拼命往门外爬去。他怎么知道又要上课了？？？

我一辈子都做的是学生，最喜欢上课。阳阳跟我正好相反。看来我是不能带他去上课了。我觉得他这种表现，多试几次也不行。不知他会不会遗传我害怕团体活动的基因？我虽然喜欢上课，但我喜欢默默的坐在一旁听，看别的同学回答问题。如果要我在课堂上发言、唱歌、表演，我就紧张、害怕。我害怕 public expectations，害怕要被期望在公共场合里表现自我。我害怕团体活动。如果没有团体的期望，我就很疯，很开放，很自我。

难道这个也能遗传的？

上周，阳阳去中部探亲，跟小表哥小表姐玩（还有小狗）：

关于 Bach/Brahms Chaconne 2

2008-07-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

我看资料说，Chaconne 是一种 baroque 以前的变奏曲式，主题是 harmonic progression，和我们平时听惯的变奏曲以旋律为主题是不同的。我最先接触 Bach Chaconne 的时候，以为主题就是开始八个小节的那一大组和弦（在小提琴上是 broken chords）。这八小节又分成两短句，一问一答，象是在宣言。第二组的八小节，和弦变奏成 French Overture 那种 dotted rhythm，可以用 majestic 来形容。第三组的八小节，保持了 dotted 节奏，但音量突然减弱，好像是前面的回音。再下的四小节是简单的八分音符，虽然只是单音，但充满了紧张的力度，因为钢琴演奏上没有 vibrato，音弹下去就不能再变了，这一段反而特别难弹。后四小节变成16分音符，密度增加，仍要保持从容。

我就这样把 chaconne 分成了32段，每段8小节。

可是，中间有一些段落，并不是以八小节为单位的一问一答。有的是四小节一组，有的是12小节一组，有的类似的八小节是分在不同的单位中。比如在曲子的中间，第17单位的下半，chaconne 从 D小调变成了 D大调。从27段起，又回到 D小调。这种不工整的结构，又应该怎样解释？

很久以后，我看到一篇恰空的曲式分析，才恍然大悟。我一直把主题看错了。

主题就是四个音，D-C(#)-Bb-A。因为是小调，根据旋律要求，C 有时是 C#。每一小节一个音，主题的长度是四小节，这样整个曲子就是64个变奏。有的时候，巴赫把两句并在一起，成一问一答的形式，有时候又是单句，增加了一层变化。

关于巴赫写 chaconne，还有一段凄惨的故事。1720年，巴赫远道回来，到了家，才知道自己的发妻已经去世，丢下七个孩子。他悲愤之中，写了以 chaconne 为主的小提琴独奏主曲，来纪念妻子。也许因此，这首恰空才那么沉重，四分之三都是 D小调。

中间 D大调开始的时候，那几个低沉的音，好像远远传来的长号，带来另一个世界的亲人的消息。然后的大调，给人一点温暖，一点希望，阳光也在一点点渗进来，直到热血沸腾。然而。。。

我最喜欢的是后来转成 D 小调的那几个小节(m.208)。老师用的词是 lament。我曾经有一个月疯狂的爱上 lament 这个词，每天写信写文字，都必定要用这个词来造句。以至我后来一见到这个词，就感到心之憔悴，哀伤叹息不能自已。我觉得 lament 用在这一句音乐上，是再恰当不过了。每当音乐弹到这里，我就忽然心灰意冷。我把这几个小节反复弹了很多遍，沉浸在这泪流尽以后、从肺腑中唱出的哀歌中。

关于 Bach/Brahms Chaconne 1

2008-07-22T21:50:00.000-07:00

七月让我来讲讲音乐。我也一直想写点东西，但自从做了家庭主妇，整天忙这忙那的，没什么自己的时间写作，也没心情构思。前一阵，我也想写写巴赫。在这里我先写几个碎片。以后如果有时间，再整理。

====

How many ways can you write 4 notes?

巴赫在 Partita for Violin No.2 的乐章 Chaconne (also ciaccona) 里，把这 D-C-Bb-A 简单的四个音，密密实实的写了 64 次。

之后，勃拉姆斯把巴赫的小提琴独奏曲，从头到尾，认认真真的改写成钢琴的左手练习曲。

我因为去年右手受伤，只能练左手钢琴曲，其中就有这一首 Bach/Brahms 的曲子。很多人改写过巴赫的 Chaconne。我的钢琴老师说，相比之下，勃拉姆斯的左手练习曲是比较忠于小提琴曲的。我以为根据小提琴改写的单手的曲子，大多数都是单音，应该比双手的要容易。练了半年，越来越发现，这四个音的变奏曲，这十五分钟的音乐，从音乐的诠释和钢琴的技巧两方面看，都是我接触过最难的曲目了。我的七旬老朋友乔治是勃拉姆斯的粉丝。他听了我的抱怨，对我眨眨眼说，说，勃拉姆斯从来没写过一个简单的音，是吧？

Wikipedia 找来 Brahms 给 Clara Schumann 写的信中关于 Chaconne 的一段：
"On one stave, for a small instrument, the man writes a whole world of the deepest thoughts and most powerful feelings. If I imagined that I could have created, even conceived the piece, I am quite certain that the excess of excitement and earth-shattering experience would have driven me out of my mind."

我的作曲老师是精通各种二十世纪后期的写作手法的现代作曲家。他最喜欢的曲目是巴赫的 Chaconne，因为其中的变化万千，奥秘无穷。他最喜欢的作曲家是勃拉姆斯。听说勃拉姆斯每天早上都要把 Chaconne 弹一遍，我老师唏嘘不已，悔恨自己不会弹钢琴（他的乐器是 double bass）。我知道了，就央求我的钢琴老师教我这一首，想把曲子学好了，弹给我的作曲老师听。

但是，我的力量是远远不够的。这首恰空(chaconne)，经两位大师之手，是一个 tour de force。我想用笔描述一下，都觉得渺小无力。看了马慧元对 Busoni 版的恰空的文字，我更自愧不如。

我远远的听着巴赫的音乐，弹着勃拉姆斯的曲子，读着马慧元的文字，过后，只有时间留几个空字在这里。

freerice

2008-04-26T23:27:00.000-07:00

>lucy wrote:
>http://www.freerice.com/index.php

04/14/08
22:51

VOCAB LEVEL: 26
YOUR BEST LEVEL: 26
捐了 520 粒大米。
明天再继续。

又捐了 2700 粒大米。
vocab level 26
best level 36
超过 26 极的字我都开始猜了。

这个游戏好玩，学了不少字。谢谢露西mm。

next 2 tries:

VOCAB LEVEL: 35
YOUR BEST LEVEL: 35
Your donation total is 60 grains of rice.

VOCAB LEVEL: 40
YOUR BEST LEVEL: 40
Your donation total is 80 grains of rice.

04/15/08
12:01

we should always start at level 1, zero grain of rice, and work our way up, see what level we get at, say, 3000 grains of rice.

i must stop donating rice now. i have an hour to do two weeks worth of homework. no pizza for me, but i will have rice before it gets too expensive. :)

04/17/08
23:07

我已经达到 leve 36 了，是从 level 1 开始一点点积攒上去的。

04/18/08
09:19

you can set your options in freerice. i have it as my "home" page, and let it remember my last level and the total rice count, so every time i open the browser, i keep donating rice and working on my levels.

04/18/08
14:43

最近几天的大米捐献上涨一倍左右，是不是我们几个在努力的结果呀？我已经捐了 10000+ 粒大米了。

04/24/08
21:52

我也觉得听发音很有帮助。有的字听过很多次（因为最近听了不少讲座），但没见过，所以听了发音就能猜到字的意思。光看词根有时是不行的，因为有的字很短。

我已经捐了 25,000+ 粒大米了，刚到40级就被打下来了。不过我觉得词库不大，做多了就有很多重复。应该把整个字典都拿出来测，根据所有测试者的正误率来调整级别。

04/25/08
15:25

I set the option to NOT repeat the ones I did wrong, so I am not using my short-term memory at all. Every time I open my browser, I get the freerice website, and I work at a few words before I move on to other things. My level is usually around 30-36, starting from the level I leave off the previous time. This way I get A LOT OF repeats, not from the same session (because I allow no repeat), but from previous sessions. And I have done over 25000 grains of rice, so I feel I have a good sense of the size of the 词库. Sometimes I use a different computer and start from default (like touche), so I get to see words from other levels.

If I keep reading and pay attention to what I read, in a couple of years I will know a lot more words.

hiking with baby on the worst day

2008-04-14T23:20:00.000-07:00

We picked the worst day to go hiking. Since we bought the baby carrier (backpack) two weeks ago, we want to go hiking with baby every weekend. Last weekend we went to San Pedro but could not find the trail listed in the book. This weekend we decided to go to Malibu Canyon.

Saturday morning we saw the forecast temperature was 91 for Saturday and 75 for Sunday. We didn't know why the weather was so hot for Saturday. I proposed to take baby to the mall to get some a/c and entertainment. This was our first time taking baby to the mall just for window shopping. Sunday morning I looked at the forecast (on my mac) and guess what? It turned out that the temperature would be 94, even at the beach! We went to Malibu despite of the heat.

We got to Malibu Creek State Park. It was hot. The trail had little shade. We did not have a shade on the backpack. Baby was wearing only a T-shirt and he refused to wear a hat, so he was mostly exposed to the sun at noon. We were able to walk about 15 minutes and had to turn back. Baby drank a lot of water.

Driving back, looking for a lunch place, we encountered slow traffic everywhere on PCH. We picked the worst day to go out. It was hot and everyone wanted to get to beach. We live by beach, yet we drove a few hours along the beach, sitting in the heavy traffic, starving and full of regret. By the time we got home, a whole day had wasted.

However, baby was in a good mood the whole day. Even under the strong sun, he merely put his head down to rest. In the car he drank his milk, ate his bread, listened to his music, played his toys, and said something only he could understand. At the restaurant, he smiled at everyone and threw everything on the ground.

He is still the best baby.

Today it cools down again. Next weekend grandma is coming to visit.

Got 4 more Harry Potter books and recent reading habits

2008-04-14T22:55:00.000-07:00

I read the first two Harry Potter books and found them to be easy and fun. Then I ordered 4 more, so now I have 6 of 7. I'm surprised to see that the volumes are getting thicker.

I was going to read Sister Carrie before the other Harry Potters came. I read for two evenings, but could not get too far. I found the book great--the language poignant, the observations sharp, the commentary precise. Reading it is like reading any other great English classics. However, my mind is so scattered and so lazy these days that I cannot enjoy a great book like Sister Carrie. This year I have been reading easy-reading popular books like the Kite Runner, Lonesome Dove (great book), John Irving, and now Harry Potter. And I am "reading' a bunch of gardening books too.

Maybe I will finish all Harry Potters, and then get back to Sister Carrie. Being a mother leaves me little time and energy to enjoy serious books which I love. Sigh.

TTC: Tocqueville and the American Experiment

2008-04-11T21:56:00.000-07:00

Tocqueville and the American Experiment
by William R. Cook, State University of New York at Geneseo

How is it possible that perhaps the greatest book about U.S. democracy ever written was penned by a Frenchman visiting this country some 175 years ago? Why is it still relevant in today’s ever-changing political landscape? Join Professor William R. Cook for a spirited exploration of Alexis de Tocqueville and his unique observations of this young nation that resulted in the two volumes of Democracy in America.

Democracy and Our National Identity

Democracy is so much a part of our national identity as to be inseparable from it. It is all too easily taken for granted as we live our daily lives, debate our country’s issues, freely criticize our leaders, and cast our ballots.

But in today’s world, when we are also trying to understand how to make democracy a part of the national identity of other nations, an in-depth understanding of this remarkable political system is especially relevant.

What is American democracy, and why has it flourished? Is there something unique in our national character, in our social fabric and communities, that makes the United States especially fertile ground for the growth of democracy? Can American democracy be exported? Does it naturally fortify itself over time? Or do its benefits, ironically, work to undermine its strengths?

After more than two centuries of living with democracy, fundamental questions like these often go unasked.

Yet there was a time when the unique relationship between the American people and their government was still new, barely two generations old, and these questions were very much at the forefront of the age’s greatest minds.

One of those minds belonged to a 25-year-old French nobleman, a lawyer named Alexis de Tocqueville, who journeyed here in 1831, and whose written observations at that time left us a lasting and provocative look at U.S. democracy’s formative years.

Tocqueville took this journey with another young lawyer, Gustave de Beaumont, who had written a report on French prisons. Although the official purpose of the trip was to research innovations in the American penal system, the two of them—especially Tocqueville—had in mind a much broader use of the credentials provided them by their own government.

Tocqueville wanted to observe firsthand the successful political experiment that was evolving in the United States and take his findings home to France, which was itself trying to shape its own young democracy.

A Hero Claimed by Liberals and Conservatives

The remarkable book that resulted—Democracy in America—has been called both the best book ever written about democracy and the best book ever written about America.

Published in two parts, one in 1835 and the second in 1840, it reveals, in its 700 pages, insights about democracy and the American character that have led both liberals and conservatives alike to claim Tocqueville as their own, often by citing the very same passages, and often out of context.

And its prescience runs so deep that it includes Tocqueville’s prediction, more than a century ahead of the fact, of the eventual emergence of the United States and what was then pre-Soviet Russia as the world’s reigning superpowers.

In Tocqueville and the American Experiment, Professor Cook leads you on an engaging and energetic discussion on Tocqueville, his journey, his writing of Democracy in America and, most of all, his thoughts on the young nation he was observing. For Tocqueville, it seems, had opinions about almost everything he encountered in America, and not exclusively politics and "classical" issues such as the nature of the judiciary and the role of freedom of the press. He wrote of:
The meaning of family in a democracy
Race and the damage done by slavery
Women's crucial role
Religion as a moral guide
The dangers of turning religion to political ends.
Seeing Ourselves Through a Foreigner’s Observations

"Tocqueville," notes Professor Cook, "provides the brilliant observations of an outsider that still allow Americans to understand themselves better for having encountered his writings.

"Furthermore, in a time when America is encouraging nations around the world to adopt democratic values and is engaged in nation building, Tocqueville can be both a guide and a reminder of the cultural context in which democratic institutions can develop and flourish.

"Whatever we feel about particular American policies," he continues, "we as a nation are trying to build democracies in other places.

"To do that, we have to ask, what in America is transferable to other cultures and other histories, and what isn’t? What are the most fundamental things, and what are secondary and tertiary in importance? What kind of education is needed to create not just a democratic institution, but what Tocqueville himself calls the ‘habits of the heart,’ [the American characteristics that] make a democracy more than a form of government but a way of life?"

Freedom of the Press and Centralized Government

A primary example of Tocqueville’s changing opinions over the nine-year interval between his visit and the completion of Democracy in America concerns freedom of the press.

Describing those changes in the same friendly, conversational style that marks his presentation of the entire course, Professor Cook notes how Tocqueville was initially quite nervous about the unbridled freedom of the press he found in America, fearing that a dominant press might acquire too much power. But Tocqueville was used to the far more centralized press of France, with only a small number of major newspapers. It is fascinating to see how his views evolve as he learns more about the vibrant American press and how its many outlets serve to prevent the centralization of power.

Tocqueville constantly cautioned against the centralization of governmental administration. He believed that if Congress or a state legislature passes a bad law that is administered centrally, for example, the bad effects are felt everywhere. But if those laws are administered locally, there will always be places where the application will be less rigid and the impact of the bad laws thus less onerous. This would provide an opportunity for public demonstrations that would make changes in those laws more likely.

What Else Did Tocqueville Believe?

Tocqueville believed, for example, that the forces that held democracy together and made it work most efficiently bubbled up through society, rather than trickling down from government.

He thus saw serving on juries—especially juries in civil cases—as a crucial part of the education of the citizenry, a "school free of charge," to use Tocqueville’s own words.

"I think," Cook quotes Tocqueville, "that the practical intelligence and good political sense of the Americans must principally be attributed to a long use that they have made of the jury in civil matters."

Cook shows how Tocqueville saw much of American daily life as education in good citizenship, with both political and civil associations providing fertile training grounds.

In the case of political associations, participants would have an opportunity not only to advance causes they believed to be in their own self-interest, but to gain practical experience in learning what he called "self-interest well understood." In giving up their time and energy, and working with other people, citizens would learn how individual self-interest had to be placed within the context of the common good.

In the case of civil associations, Professor Cook uses the story of a cat rescue group in his own town of Geneseo to illustrate Tocqueville’s notion of how civil associations help make life better.

Concerns as Deep as His Admiration

But even as he saw and admired the vibrancy of citizen participation at the base of the American democracy, Tocqueville also saw things that deeply concerned him.

As a system dependent on the will of the majority, democracy needed always to be vigilant against the tyranny of that same majority, the danger that it could rule almost absolutely over the minority.

That danger wasn’t likely to come from government, for there were constitutional safeguards in place. Instead, Tocqueville saw the threat of majoritarianism in the speech that swirled around him, even going so far as to note that despite all of the opinion he heard being voiced, he had found less independence of mind and genuine freedom of discussion in America than any place he had been!

Though the circle of discussion in America is very broad, he said, its perimeter is clearly delineated. Those whose views fall outside of that circle, though their views are permitted, are cut off from power, with political careers closed to them. They can become the butt of jokes and, in the worst of cases, the victims of social persecution.

Tocqueville was also concerned about the long-range implications of what he called "equality of conditions," a term roughly equivalent to what today is referred to as equality of opportunity. For Tocqueville, equality of conditions was fundamental to democracy, giving "a certain direction to public spirit, a certain turn to the laws, new maxims to those who govern and particular habits to the government."

But in a society in which such a principle pertains, a society without built-in privilege, Tocqueville also saw a danger. He feared that people might well seek other ways to experience the feeling of being special, either by withdrawing into the family or by the selfish pursuit of material wealth.

Tocqueville even coined a term—individualism—to describe this threat, and urged renewed attention to maintaining vibrant local governments and political and civil associations that will constantly demonstrate the advantages of entering and participating in the activities of the public square.

A Book for Today

Tocqueville can be both a guide and a reminder of the cultural context in which democratic institutions can develop and flourish. His book can be seen both as an inspiration and a warning for Americans of the 21st century, providing insights and innovative ways to consider what we all too often take for granted in the United States.

Course Lecture Titles

1. An Overview of Democracy in America
2. Alexis de Tocqueville—A Brief Biography
3. The Journey to America
4. Equality of Conditions and Freedom
5. The Foundations of the American Experience
6. Does America Have a Mixed Constitution?
7. The American Constitution
8. The Judiciary and Lawyers in America
9. Democracy and Local Government
10. Freedom of Speech in Theory and Practice
11. Freedom of the Press
12. Political Parties
13. The Problem of the Tyranny of the Majority
14. Political Associations
15. Civil Associations
16. Blacks and Indians
17. Mores and Democracy
18. Christianity and Democracy
19. Education and Culture in Democracies
20. Individualism in America
21. The Desire for Wealth in America
22. The Democratic Family
23. Are Democracy and Excellence Compatible?
24. Tocqueville’s Unanswered Questions

Tocqueville and Political/Civil Associations in America

2008-04-09T23:22:00.000-07:00

I am listening to lectures about Tocqueville and his book Democracy in America, and I just finished the sections on Political Association and Civil Association. Then today at the beach I met a father whose wife is advocating for an initiate related to children's Chinese immersion program (or something like that). He thinks that I should join the group. It is exactly what I am learning from Tocqueville. How timely.

I looked up the couple's names online, and thought that we could have a lot in common. I would really like to get to know them. The wife is Chinese, a professor at my current school, and the husband is a English professor. They have two boys, 4 and 2. I e-mailed the wife, but only received a formal reply regarding the association. Maybe that's what Tocqueville is talking about (that people with diverse backgrounds come together for a single issue at hand).

so many orphans in the books

2008-04-05T22:29:00.000-07:00

All the books I read this year so far are about orphans.

The Kite Runner
Lonesome Dove (there's an orphan in the book)
The Secret Garden
The Cider House Rules
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone

And now I am going to read Harry Potter 2.

I understand John Irving's obsession or insight about orphans. He never knows who his father is. All of his books I've read are somewhat related to single parent families. The Cider House Rules is about real orphans. He is probably about the age of Homer Wells's son Angel. Hmm, I wonder what he was imagining when he wrote the book.

baby at 12 months

2008-03-30T00:14:00.000-07:00

Baby has the sharpest hearing. This morning when I was rocking him before a nap time, there were music in the room, the heater fan was on, and he was drinking milk. He was tired. Suddenly he sat up, listening carefully, and the began to yell, ah-ah-ah. He does this whenever the phone rings. Our phones were all in the farthest corner in the house at the moment, through doors and long hallways, and I could not hear it among all the other noises. After a few seconds, I thought I might hear something, but I couldn't be sure it was the phone. I opened the door and went out, and the answer machine started, loudly. I was amazed at baby's hearing. During the day when he is playing, he never seem to hear us, no matter how we tried to call him to get his attention. Sometimes I doubt his hearing. But no, he could hear a pin drop a mile away.

He cannot walk yet. He cannot say mama and baba and mean it. He still does everything single-handedly. He is very animated when he "talks". He can put the blue cylindrical block in the correct hole.

When I take him to the park, we spend most of our time in the little house. He stands by the doorway, holding onto the rope on one side, then carefully moves to the other side until he reaches the other rope. When I watch him shifting his weight and keeping balance, I think that maybe he will become a good rock climber. :) He does not go up the step yet, unless I put one of his feet up, and then he could pull himself up by the rope. When he is inside, he cruise around, looking here and there eagerly. If I pop up behind an open window, he would become so happy and excited that he reaches out for me. Yesterday he went around the corner for the first time. Every day we go there, and every day I see progress. He also likes the fire truck, but there is less room to move around. He is more interested in going around to see things.

He still enjoys taking things out of the stroller or the toy box, and then putting them back in. Sometimes he pulls things out of shelves and then putting them back. He likes to read the flip-flap books.

We play our own version of hide-and-seek. I don't know the rules, but I play along. Most of the time he chases after me, and I when I go around a corner, I will pretend to hide, and he will come around the corner and we would laugh out heartily together. When we first played this game a couple of weeks ago, he was just beginning to crawl fast, and once I went too fast and he could not catch up for a long time. After I hid behind the sofa, he burst out into the most heart-broken cry. I turned around to see what was the matter, and he suddenly turned to laughter and crawled into my arms.

We love when he crawls all over us, and pulls himself up. He loves to bite us though. He loves to bite my hair off when I am holding him. But I love to hold him.

He is drinking a lot of whole milk now--3 cups a day. He eats mostly Chinese noodles and rice soup, jar fruit, cheese, and crackers. He does not miss breast milk. What a happy boy!

knowledge always comes in paris or more

2008-03-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

I am reading John Irving's Cider House Rules. The first part is about orphans and orphanage. It reminds me of the various books and movies I have encountered lately about orphanage:

1. The Kite Runner (book), a orphanage in Afghanistan
2. The Italian (movie), an orphanage in Russia
3. Cider House Rules (book), an orphanage in Maine, US

Comparative study of the orphanage? I don't know. But after these encounters with orphans in arts, I want to help.

Oh, also when I was reading Lomesome Dove, there's a boy Newt who was brought up as an orphan although Captain Call was be his father, and I was surprised that for 17 years nobody could tell the resemblance between father and son. Then in Cider House Rules, Homer Wells and Candy had a illegitimate son then claiming the boy was adopted, and for 15 years or so nobody could tell the likeness between parents and son. These scenes really bother me.

====
I just finished TTC (The Teaching Company)'s lecture on Mr. Lincoln, and learned about his life and the civil war. Then the next lecture I listened to, by accident, is Abolitionism, Anti-Slavery and the Origins of the American Civil War. It's like reinforcement learning. Today I started a new course on Argumentation. The professor will give two historical arguments as examples throughout the course, and one of the arguments is the Lincoln-Douglas debate. How timely! A few days ago I had never heard of the famous debate.

====
When I was waiting in a long line today in school, I was reading Cider House Rules and was at the passage about Angel. When it was my turn to talk to the person behind the counter, I saw that his name tag said Angel. What chance!

====
One more... On Monday, my friend Allen Poe told me about a musician who plays a musical saw, and I laughed at the idea. On Sunday, Mike and I watched the movie Delicatessen, and the main character plays a musical saw. Wow!

TTC: American Religious History

2008-03-04T22:08:00.000-08:00

American Religious History (24 lectures, 30 minutes/lecture)
Patrick N. Allitt, Emory University

I love this course! Prof. Allitt is clear and just, and full of interesting stories. He traces the religious history of America alongside the history of the US. He himself is a English Catholic. Every time I study religions, I re-consider the possibility of converting to Catholic again.

Allitt's other lectures:
American Identity
Victorian Britain

==
Join historian Patrick N. Allitt in exploring the story of religious life in America from the first European contacts to the late 20th century.

Why does America, unlike virtually any other industrial nation, continue to show so much religious vitality?
Why are the varieties of religion found here so numerous and diverse?

Reading aloud from primary sources:
Abraham Lincoln's Second Inaugural Address
Martin Luther King's 1963 "I Have a Dream" speech
A Civil War veteran's memory of how Catholic sisters cared for the wounded after the Battle of Shiloh
The heartfelt letter to Virginia's governor in which John Rolfe explains his spiritual motives for wishing to marry Pocahontas
An account of the religious diversity of New York City—in 1683
An Anglican cleric's impressions of revivalism in the Carolinas during the First Great Awakening of the 1740s.
Richly Detailed Personal Glimpses

Biographical sketches and anecdotes about dozens of brilliant, charismatic, or otherwise remarkable American religious figures, among them:

Puritan divine Cotton Mather
Mormon prophet Joseph Smith
Christian Science founder Mary Baker Eddy
The patriotic revivalist Billy Sunday, who during World War I said, "If you turn hell over, you'll find 'Made in Germany' stamped on the bottom!"

Course titles:
1. Major Features of American Religious History
2. The European Background
3. Natives and Newcomers
4. The Puritans
5. Colonial Religious Diversity
6. The Great Awakening
7. Religion and Revolution
8. The Second Great Awakening
9. Oneida and the Mormons
10. Catholicism
11. African-American Religion
12. The Civil War
13. Victorian Developments
14. Darwin and Other Dilemmas
15. Judaism in the 19th Century
16. Fundamentalism
17. War and Peace
18. Twentieth-Century Catholicism
19. The Affluent Society
20. The Civil Rights Movements
21. The Counterculture and Feminism
22. Asian Religions
23. Church and State
24. The Enduring Religious Sensibility

TTC: Birth of the Modern Mind: The Intellectual History of the 17th and 18th Centuries

2008-03-04T22:02:00.000-08:00

Birth of the Modern Mind: The Intellectual History of the 17th and 18th Centuries
(24 lectures, 30 minutes/lecture)
by Alan Charles Kors, University of Pennsylvania

This is a very boring course. I don't like Prof Kros's NJ accent and voice. A lot of the times he sounds like if he is preaching. I ran through the 12 hours of lectures quickly. Maybe I am just bored of philosophy these days. I want to keep away from his other lectures:
Great Minds of the Western Intellectual Tradition
Voltaire and the Triumph of the Enlightenment

TTC: Aeneid of Virgil

2008-03-04T21:50:00.000-08:00

Aeneid of Virgil (12 lectures, 30 minutes/lecture)
by Elizabeth Vandiver, Whitman College

I enjoyed this short lecture on Aeneid of Virgil greatly. Professor Vandiver is a good speaker. She made Virgil sound very interesting. I am also looking forward to studying other lectures on Classics with her:
Iliad of Homer
Odyssey of Homer
Classical Mythology
Greek Tragedy
Herodotus: The Father of History

When I was in Michigan, my friend Jeff, a HS Classics teacher recommended Aeneid to me, but the copy I bought was too worn so I left it in Ann Arbor when I moved to California. Now I can't wait to get a book and read it. I have always wanted to know more about the Romans. Maybe I will get into the Greeks too. I tried Homer several times before but I could not get very far. Now I really want to learn all about Homer and Classical Mythology.

==
From teach.12.com:

The Aeneid is the great national epic of ancient Rome, and one of the most important works of literature ever written. It was basic to the education of generations of Romans, and has stirred the imaginations of such writers and artists as St. Augustine, Dante, Chaucer, Brueghel the Elder, Milton, Rubens, Tennyson, Ezra Pound, and T. S. Eliot.

The Aeneid represents both Virgil's tribute to Homer and his attempt to re-imagine and surpass the Homeric model.

You join Aeneas on his long journey west from ruined Troy to the founding of a new nation in Italy, and see how he weaves a rich network of compelling human themes. His poem is an examination of leadership, a study of the conflict between duty and desire, a meditation on the relationship of the individual to society and of art to life, and a Roman's reflection on the dangers—and the allure—of Hellenistic culture.

The first lecture provides an introduction to Virgil's Latin epic and to the plan of the course, while the second lecture covers both the mythic and literary background with which Virgil was working. Here you find an insightful summary of the legends of the Trojan War and of Romulus and Remus as well as a discussion of what scholarship can tell us about the Aeneid 's literary antecedents. Lecture 3 provides you with a vital understanding of the historical context in which Virgil wrote, including accounts of his larger literary career, his relationship to the regime of Augustus, and his view of Roman history generally. In Lectures 4 through 12, Professor Vandiver discusses the poem itself with clarity, economy, and enthusiasm that you are sure to find illuminating and thoroughly engaging. Throughout it all, the figure of Aeneas is never far from center stage—as fighter and lover, father and son, refugee and ruler, wanderer and founder, spellbinding storyteller, and sword-wielding man of action.

1. Introduction
2. From Aeneas to Romulus
3. Rome, Augustus, and Virgil
4. The Opening of the Aeneid
5. From Troy to Carthage
6. Unhappy Dido
7. Funeral Games and a Journey to the Dead
8. Italy and the Future
9. Virgil's Iliad
10. The Inevitable Doom of Turnus
11. The Gods and Fate
12. The End of the Aeneid and Beyond

gardening 2008

2008-03-01T21:32:00.000-08:00

I have been cleaning up our porch the last couple of weeks and getting ready for gardening for the coming summer. It took me a week to get rid of all the weeds. Then I bought some fruits and vegetables to grow. I got strawberry, black berry, boysenberry, asparagus, onion chive (instead of Chinese chive), cilantro, tomatoes, beans, and poppy. I need to get some cherry tomatoes because they are so easy to grow and so tasty. I have planted asparagus and strawberry in the ground. Cilantro and one strawberry go into pot. I moved many bulbs (I forgot the name) to the area under the window so they won't block the sunlight for the vegetables in the summer. I moved the pathetic succulents to the area next to the gate because I don't care if they grow in the bad soil. I pruned the roses several times--first I pruned too hard, then I realized they were climber rose so I had to re-prune them, and later I decided to re-prune them for better shape. Anyway. I wanted to get a door shape frame for the rose but I couldn't find any in Home Depot or Target. I got an obelisk frame which turned out to be too short. I might use it for the beans. I pruned the bouganville a lot, but it was really a mess, so there's more to be pruned. I also removed some "free" plants we got last year, such as potatoes (there were quite a few potatoes). I dug the soil next to the garage, and re-arranged the brick wall so the soil would not run into the pavement. I planted a lot of poppy seeds there. I don't know if and when they will come out. Maybe there will be too many. In the summer I might have to plant something else there. I got a hummingbird feeder too. I bought several gardening books. I think this year I will spend some time learning to grow flowers and vegetables.

Every day when I walk with baby in the neighborhood, I look at other people's gardens and try to learn from them. Also I am reading Burnett's Secret Garden, and so I am enjoying two gardens at once. I hope I can get through the spring first.

花园里已经有一些东西，不知什么名字。

1。仙客来(Cyclamen persicum Mill.) 又名萝卜海常、兔耳花、一品冠。

2。和图1一样，是仙客来(Cyclamen persicum Mill.) 又名萝卜海常、兔耳花、一品冠。

3。风信子(Hyacinths orientalis)的一个品种。【别名】洋水仙、西洋水仙、五色水仙。some kind of lilly.

4。这长照片里好像有两种植物，一种是上图3的，一种是下图5的。风信子(Hyacinths orientalis)的一个品种。【别名】洋水仙、西洋水仙、五色水仙。some kind of lilly.

5。风信子(Hyacinths orientalis)的一个品种。【别名】洋水仙、西洋水仙、五色水仙。some kind of lilly.

6。这是室内的，蟹爪兰(Zygocactus truncactus)又名圣诞仙人掌、蟹爪莲和仙指花。thanksgiving cactus

Hermosa Beach 海滩上的巨浪

2008-02-27T21:46:00.000-08:00

前几天我们这里大浪，很多人都去看海。

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录像

阳阳站起来了

2008-02-26T21:00:00.000-08:00

最近几个礼拜阳阳会站起来了。他开始只是跪在小床栏杆前，小手扶着，一只腿弯起来，用力，一点点站起来，颤颤微微。后来他能抓着小床栏杆站起来，小手可有劲了。再后来，他扶着什么家具都可以站起来。每天他都要爬到浴缸那里，扶着站起来，向里面探头望。早上抱他到大床上，他就兴奋的冲向床头，床头上放了一些小用品，闹钟啦，水罐啦，纸巾啦，还有我故意放的小书小玩具，他就爬过被褥，站在枕头上，把东西全够下来。这两天他把东西够下来后，又捡起来，放回去。可是东西掉在床上，他要坐下才能拿到，但一手拿着东西，没法用一手扶着站起来。他就着急了，使劲把东西往床头上扔。他喜欢扶着房间里的小柜子站起来，摆弄柜子上的音响。他现在可能耐了，东按西按，就可以自己换CD。音乐搞好了，他就慢慢的向后面一坐，坐到地上，然后迅速爬起来。他还喜欢扶着很矮的东西，比如枕头，撅着小屁股，企图站起来，但至今没有成果。这几天他学会扶着家具走了，每天都能看到显著的进步。他站在小床里，想从一边过到另外一边，但松了一手就失去平衡，一屁股坐下来，他也不着急，小手一伸，就又站起来了。我看着他扶着家具站起来和慢慢移动的样子，想一个攀岩运动员，每一个动作都考虑良久，专心一致，全身都紧张用力，一点点的行动。小人儿一个，可爱极了。

阳阳和小表姐的照片集

2008-02-25T00:10:00.000-08:00

今天阳阳和小表姐又见面了。两个可爱的小宝宝，阳阳11个月，小表姐13个月

Book: Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry

2008-02-23T23:50:00.000-08:00

It took me almost a month to finish Larry McMurtry's epic masterpiece Lonesome Dove. I have not enjoyed a book this much since high school when I read Jin Yong, and I have read many a book. Lonesome Dove has everything--history, geography, action, romance, humor, dialogue, and stories after stories. I have learned so much about American west and cowboy culture than all the western movies I have seen.

The main characters are Gus (Augustus McCrea) and Call (Woodrow Call), two ex-Texas Rangers. After they stopped fighting the Indians and the Mexican outlaws, they settled in a small town Lonesome Dove in southern Texas, trading cattle and doing nothing much. Then one day their old comrade Jake Spoon showed up and told them about Montana. Bored of Texas life, they immediately gathered 3000 cattle from south of Mexican border and some cowboys, and started their epic journey across Texas, Kansas, Nebraska, Wyoming and reaching Montana. On their way they passed towns such as San Antonio, Austin, Fort Worth (near Dallas), Dodge City, Ogallala, and Miles City. The cattle drive met with countless adversaries--rain storm, lightning, moccasin (water snakes), sand storm, quick sand, drought, grizzly bear, icy river, blizzard, Indian attack, to name a few. Some dead, some left, some joined, the cowboys and the people they met were all colorful.

The characters include a slow-wit and obedient cowboy from the original outfit, a black cowboy with superb tracking skills, a 17-year-old cowboy born of a whore and whose father was a mystery to be solved, a top hand cowboy in love with a whore he only bought once, a piano player with a whole in the stomach, a cook walking the whole way and could always find useful plants or animals to cook (and his three sons were killed by a Indian, and he killed his unfaithful wife), two Irishmen coming to the US to look for work, a young sheriff in Kansas chasing after his runaway wife from Kansas all the way to Nebraska, a incompetent deputy going on his first trip, a farmer women pressing men to marry her by all means, a teenager girl running barefoot faster than a horse and able to kill rabbits with stones, bandits, outlaws, bad Indians, hungry Indians, peaceful Indians, buffalo hunters, a whore getting married and pregnant only to runaway to look for her old lover, a buffalo hunter getting hung because he killed someone by accident, killers, horse thieves (stealing horses is a hang crime), settlers, a horse trader in a coma, a lady who lost three sons to the cold weather, two young girls growing up in the cold, a lone old man collecting buffalo bones, a father not admitting his son, rude army sergeants, young cowboys getting the first saloon experience, a Yale graduate becoming a cattleman, Mexicans, a saloon manager in love with the whore, a young whore surviving a brutal Indian abduction, two pigs walked the whole way with the herd, a Texas bull, horses with names and characters, ....

I would have given the book 10 stars (out of 5), but I found the part about Clara and the scenes in Nebraska weak compared to the stories of cowboys. There is even an error related to Clara's family history. Almost everything written about her is unsatisfying. It's a pity. I only give the book 5 stars.

The mini-series Lonesome Dove is supposed to be the greatest western movie ever made. I have seen some clips from YouTube. It's going to be different from the book. I hope it's good, because I can't wait to relive the lives of the brave men again.

宝宝快1岁了，从来不用两只手一起拿东西

2008-02-21T23:31:00.000-08:00

宝宝11个多月了，拿东西玩东西从来都是一只手（左手），如果左手被抓住不能动或是戴了手套，才只好用右手。但是平时不管玩什么，都是单手。很重的玩具，很厚的书，大件的物品，他从来都是用左手来弄的。右手则紧紧攥着小拳头。吃 finger food，如果把吃的放在右边，左手够不着的地方，就用右手够来，放在中间，再用左手捡起来吃。只有拍手和弹琴的时候，才两只手一起摆。就算左撇子，是不是也应该偶尔用两只手？

我记得我妹妹的孩子一岁时看书是两手一起，一手拿书一手翻。

这个录像是10个月时拍的，可以看到他只用左手，右手攥拳头。他现在还这样。

11个月，左手玩，右手攥拳头

九个月的时候看书，左手翻书，右手攥拳头

gardening note

2008-02-20T21:35:00.000-08:00

Top 20 plants for sunny sites:

Allium "Globemaster"
Artemisia arborescens
Calamagrostis brachytricha (a grass)
Cistus "Greyswood Pink"
Cytisus "Boskoop Ruby"
Elaeagnus "Quicksilver"
Eremurus stenophyllus
Eschscholzia californica
Euphorbia characias "Lambrook Gold"
Kniphofia caulescnens
Lavendula stoechas
Nepeta "Six Hills Giant"
Nerine bowdenii
Nigella damasena (love-in-a-mist)
Ozothamnus rosmarinifolius "Silver Jubilee"
Perovskia "Blue Spire"
Phlomis italica
Stipa gigantea (a grass)
Tulipa saxatilis
Zauscheneria california "Dublin"

Weed: Couchgrass, Dandelion

Cracks: creeping mints and thymes

Cyclamen: under trees

Fruit, vegetables, herbs in pots: eggplants, lettuce, chilies, Swiss chard, French beans, runner beans, tomatoes; figs, blueberries, strawberries; rosemary, basil, thyme, invasive mint

Vegetables to grow:

asparagus
bush beans
beets
broccoli
cabbage
carrots
cauliflower
celery
chinese cabbage
sweet corn
cucumber
eggplant

garlic
你到附近的店里买大蒜，最好找一年的陈蒜（有的已经出现绿芽的最好），将蒜分成一瓣一瓣的，出芽那头向上，两行一垄栽下，一定要错落有致，就是两行的三瓣蒜呈品字形，以便将来生长互不影响

cilantro
香菜，则可以到中国店买种子种，注意：这些都不要埋得太深，等出来后可以培些土

leeks
lettuce
melons
onions
洋葱你可以到 Home Deport或者其他卖种子的美国店里买一瓣瓣的洋葱，然后像栽大蒜那样种将下去
peas

peppers
辣椒苗本身比较娇嫩，我一般到farmer's market买苗，然后栽上，考虑到现在的节气，育苗已经有些晚了，我建议你也如法炮制栽辣椒，以巴西和泰国辣椒较辣，问那些garden master, 他们都会告诉你

potatoes
sweet potatoes
radishes
spinach
pumpkin
tomatoes
turnips

新鲜的小葱(以韩国店或者农贸市场的最好，一定要根须完整的），挖一条沟将葱放入，土埋过葱白即可，如果有肥料埋可以上些

plant hardness: zone 10, 40-50F minimum temp

Books purchased today

2008-02-16T18:41:00.000-08:00

Got 3 paperbacks, 1 baby book (Brown Bear Brown Bear--board book version) and 5 National Geographic maps for $1.5 today from the library book sale. The paperbacks are:

The Assistant by Bernard Malamud
Rabbit is Rich by John Updike
Peter Camenzind by Hermann Hesse (I guess I will try to collect and read all his books)

I was tempted to get two other Larry McMurtry books, but I decided to wait.

倒霉的一天，从宝宝掉床开始

2008-02-11T22:50:00.000-08:00

倒霉的一天。

从昨天晚上开始的。写了半天的帖子，不小心把窗口弄没了，只好睡觉去。不过这是常事。

今天早上，我看宝宝的时候，一不留神，他从大床上摔下来。扑通一声。大哭不止。鼻子划破了。我吓坏了。观察了一阵，见没事，就去上学。

下课早，顺便去买了下两星期的菜，放了一车箱。回家路上，到 Target 百货商场去买尿片和奶粉。出来时，拿手机一看，快三点了，看宝宝的阿姨要走了，得赶快回家。装车的时候，车箱里放不下尿片，打算把尿布放前面座位，顺手把车箱关上。大事不好！钱包和钥匙都在车箱里，车门锁着呢。怎么办！

幸亏手机在身上，先给家里的阿姨打电话，让她多看一会儿。汽车协会 AAA 卡锁在车里，不能打电话去。现在街上都没有投币的公用电话了，没法查号码。我又不记得查号的号码。不过，正好隔壁是丰田汽车行，也许他们能帮我开门，或着知道怎么找 AAA。

我手里提着一大箱144片尿片，翻过栏杆，进了车行。招待小姐让我去后面修车的部门问。修车师傅听说我的车不是丰田，说不能帮我，让我去收银台找小姐问汽车协会的电话。收银小姐查了半天也找不到 AAA 的电话。我问，有没有电话簿，我自己来查。她说没有，又在电脑上鼓捣了半天，才给了一个号码，让我试试。

号码拨通了。首先要我的会员号码。我说号码锁在车里了，让他们帮我查查。查来查去，说没有我的名字。我的名字有三种拼法，问是不是看错了。又查地址又查电话号码，还查到我老公的资料，就是没有我的名字。怎么可能！我从1993年开始就是会员了。我说，如果开了车门，我可以拿我的会员证给他们看。电话那边说，没有证不能帮我开门。

然后问我，要不要帮我找一个开锁的？如果是会员，事后可以给我报销。我说好，告诉他我所在的城市。他居然说这个城市和隔壁的城市都没有锁匠。怎么可能！我没有电话簿没有 google，只好依靠他。他在附近较远的城市里找了一间锁匠，把号码给我。

我打电话过去，锁匠说30分钟内到达。我看表，已经3:20了。看来只好等了。他们还问了我的车子型号。

打电话给老公，想问他汽车协会会员的事。前年结婚时，老公把我转到他的会员帐下，也许哪里搞错了？他在上班，电话没人接，留了言。

三十分钟，无聊的等吧。我的 ipod 和书都在车里。想去店里找本八卦杂志看看，消磨时光。可我拿着一箱尿片，又没有收据，人家不让我进去。也没钱买杂志买吃的。顾客服务那里有好多人排队，不想麻烦了。就抱了尿片又回到停车场等。

半个小时后，锁匠公司还没人来，打电话去问。他们又问了一次我的车的型号，说还要25分钟才能到。我很生气，却也没办法。

马路对面正好有几个修车行，也许他们可以帮我开门。我拎着一箱144片尿片过去，问了一家，他们说这种情况的确是要找锁匠的，还给我一本电话簿，一把椅子，开了灯，建议我找一个附近的快一点锁匠。我问了两家，都说我这种车型他们不会开后箱。居然有这样的事？

只好拎着一箱144片尿片又回到停车场。锁匠来电话说还要35分钟才到。可我已经等了快一个小时了！我更生气了。

打电话给 AAA，想也许换个人，就能找到我的会员信息。可惜这次也找不到。又给我转到一间锁匠，那锁匠说可以来试试，却不能保证能开门，收55块钱，20分钟来到。我想还是等原先的那家吧。

打电话给老公，他说没接到我的留言。怪不得他一直没回我电话。他有备用钥匙，说现在立刻往家开，大概一个多小时能到家。可惜我们的阿姨的车上没有婴儿座，不然让她带宝宝来接我。老公建议我弄个出租车先回家。

我身上没钱，也没有出租车的号码，就算回家也要管阿姨借钱，还不知出租车要多久才能来到。从商场走回家要40多分钟。我决定一边往回走，一边叫街上的出租车。

先回 Target，让他们帮我看着那箱尿片。可惜一车的吃的，全要闷坏了。

离开 Target，已经 4:45 了，锁匠还没有消息。在停车场白白等了一个半小时。我气愤，没给他们打电话就走了。

走过两条街，见到一辆出租车，是空的，连忙打手势。是一个非洲司机。他打手势，好像是说让我在前面街口等着。可能因为这条大街不能掉头。谁知等了一会，他开了车窗，递给我一张名片，上面有出租车公司的号码。原来他不接客。居然有这样的出租车？？？

我一赌气，就决定一路走回去了，正好锻炼一下，减减肥。唉，早知道我就不等了，直接往家走，现在已经在家了。我一边走一边想打电话跟朋友聊天，可手机却要没电了。只好省着。

到家 5:20。脚上磨了个水疱。这时锁匠公司打电话，说已经到了 Target。我说不用他们的服务了，他们晚了一个半小时，耽误了我的时间。他们居然说要收我 30 元服务费。天呐，什么世道！

今天宝宝掉床，好心疼，本来想下午好好陪陪他，没想到白白浪费了两个半小时，还有车上的食物。宝宝倒是很乖，等着我喂奶呢。我抱他上大床，他见到床就好害怕。

老公随后也回来了。他的车没有婴儿座，所以要一个人看着宝宝，另一个人把我的车取回来，再带上宝宝一起去把老公的车取回来。我们的车都快没油了，路上还要去加油。

就这样又折腾了一个多小时，终于把两个车子和车上的杂货和一箱尿片都弄回家了。宝宝却要睡觉了。可怜宝宝，早上从床上摔下来，然后整天也没怎么见到我们，晚上还要陪我们去取车。明天可要好好陪他玩。

真是倒霉的一天。

打电话跟朋友抱怨。她却说，你该庆幸你的宝宝没有被锁在车里！

她说的也是啊！

阳阳的嘴唇和鼻子破了

小阳阳够闹钟

2008-02-09T23:53:00.000-08:00

10个多月的阳阳，越来越调皮了，而且还会不耐烦。

TTC: Buddhism

2008-02-06T18:33:00.000-08:00

Buddhism
(24 lectures, 30 minutes/lecture)
Malcolm David Eckel, Boston University

http://www.teach12.com/ttcx/coursedesclong2.aspx?cid=687

If everything is constantly changing, then it is possible for everything to become new. If everything is an illusion, then there is no barrier to accomplishing anything.

Often a person’s first contact with Buddhism has come through reading Siddhartha by German author Herman Hesse, the novels of Jack Kerouac, or works of Beat Poets such as Gary Snyder. African American author Charles Johnson uses Buddhism to explore the change of consciousness that takes place when ex-slaves experienced freedom.

1. What is Buddhism?
2. India at the Time of the Buddha
3. The Doctrine of Reincarnation
4. The Story of the Buddha
5. All Is Suffering
6. The Path to Nirvana
7. The Buddhist Monastic Community
8. Buddhist Art and Architecture
9. Theravada Buddhism in Southeast Asia
10. Mahayana Buddhism and the Bodhisattva Ideal
11. Celestial Buddhas and Bodhisattvas
12. Emptiness
13. Buddhist Philosophy
14. Buddhist Tantra
15. The Theory and Practice of the Mandala
16. The “First Diffusion of the Dharma” in Tibet
17. The Schools of Tibetan Buddhism
18. The Dalai Lama
19. The Origins of Chinese Buddhism
20. The Classical Period of Chinese Buddhism
21. The Origins of Japanese Buddhism
22. Honen, Shinran and Nichiren
23. Zen
24. Buddhism in America

阳阳给大家拜年

2008-02-06T15:42:00.000-08:00

祝各位新春快乐，身体健康，万事如意！

刚才在照相馆拍的。 :)

baby went to bed without me

2008-02-05T23:07:00.000-08:00

This evening I had to perform in a school concert, so Mike had to feed the baby supper and put him to bed. This is the third time I didn't put baby to bed, and the first time he did not drink milk before going to sleep. I miss him, but I am also happy to see that he is a big baby now and he does not need me all the time. When I think about the lives of others, I feel so grateful that my baby is healthy and lively. If I can nourish and protect the baby and so he could grow into adulthood (say 21), then I will consider myself successful in life. I just want to see him experience much of the world and life and enjoy the experience. Life is a mystery. Life is a reflection of LIFE as a whole. Seeing a baby grow is like seeing the world grow. I must pay more attention. Life is happening right in front of my eyes.

10个月的阳阳做怪样

2008-02-02T23:55:00.000-08:00

每次吃饭时，小阳阳就做怪样。好玩极了。

阳阳一月份的照片集

2008-01-31T23:31:00.000-08:00

阳阳10个月了。这是2008年1月的照片集。

阳阳喜欢笑，喜欢“滋滋”的声音，喜欢撕纸的声音，但他自己是不会撕纸的。他非常喜欢翻书，但从来不撕书。他喜欢弹琴，喜欢玩音乐玩具。他记性很好，学过的玩过的东西，不会忘掉。他从来不在地上捡东西吃，碰到什么，总是用大指头按按，或是捡起来用手指捏捏，然后扔下。他也不自己拿东西吃，除了他认得的小饼干。他能自己扶小床站起来。我们把小床弄到最底一格，怕他摔下来。他最喜欢的是我给他按摩。每天晚上睡觉前，我都给他捏一捏，他安安静静的一动也不动，笑眯眯的。他喜欢大声说话，有声有调的。每次我开水龙头，他就兴奋地大叫。他喜欢把玩具搬到木板地上扔，听塑料和木板相撞的声音。有几首歌，他每次听到都立刻停止手里的游戏，警觉地听着，还冲我笑。他对遥控器和电话还有 baby monitor 特别有兴趣，总是拿来研究，东按按，西按按的。他终于学会了摇手再见，小手上下晃晃，真可爱。吃饭的时候，他还会故意做怪样，逗我们笑。

没想到乖乖的阳阳还挺好动的。晚上他爸爸陪他在房间里玩，我在客厅弹琴，他准是努力的从房间，通过常常的走廊，爬到我的钢琴下，看着我笑。他这两天才真正会爬的，可还是经常趴在地上匍匐前进。看他那么辛苦来找钢琴的样子，我总是倍受感动。

Baby, January 2008

2008-01-31T22:59:00.000-08:00

阳阳弹钢琴

2008-01-30T00:54:00.000-08:00

他喜欢弹琴和看书。睡觉的时候，我放几本书和玩具在他的小床里，等他醒来后自己看书玩。每天早上去抱他，都看到每本书都摊开着，被翻过了。有时后他睡不着觉，也自己躺着看书，看着看着就睡着了。

真高兴。这么小就继承了我的两样爱好，弹琴和看书。不过我还喜欢上网。希望他长大不要学我，总泡在网上。

这是他弹琴的录像。他弹琴还很专心呢。快11个月了。

Book: Godel, Escher, Bach by Douglas Hofstadter

2008-01-24T22:42:00.000-08:00

Notable quotes from my reading of GEB:

Godel showed that provability is a weaker notion than truth, no matter what axiomatic system is involved. p.19

The drive to eliminate paradoxes at any cost, especially when it requires the creation of highly artificial formalisms, puts too much stress on bland consistency, and too little on the quirky and bizarre, which make life and mathematics interesting. p.23

Essential abilities for intelligence are certainly:

The flexibility of intelligence comes from the enormous number of different rules, and levels of rules. p.27

The difference between the set of axioms and the set of theorems: the former always has a decision procedure, but the latter may not. p.41

The word "isomorphism" was defined as an information preserving transformation. p.49

The perception of an isomorphism between two known structures is a significant advance in knowledge--and I claim that it is such perceptions of isomorphism which create meanings in the minds of people. p.50

The difference between meaning in a formal system and in a language is this: in a language, when we have learned a meaning for a word, we then make new statements based on the meaning of the word. In a sense the meaning becomes active, since it brings into being a new rule for creating sentences.... On the other hand, in a formal system, the theorems are predefined, by the rules of production. We can choose "meanings" based on an isomorphism (if we can find one) between theorems and true statements. But this does not give us the license to go out and add new theorems to the established theorems.... In a formal system, the meaning must remain passive. p.52

When different aspects of the real world are isomorphic to each other, one single formal system can be isomorphic to both, and therefore can take on two passive meanings. This kind of double-valuedness of symbols and strings... will come back in deeper contexts and bring with it a great richness of ideas. p.53

Can all of reality be turned into a formal system? p.53

The digit-shunting laws for multiplication are based mostly on a few properties of addition and multiplication which are assumed to hold for all numbers. p.55

How could one count ideas? p.56

There is something clean and pure in the abstract notion of number, removed from counting beads, dialects, or clouds; and there ought to be a way of talking about numbers without always having the silliness of reality come in and intrude. p.56

[Euclid's] proof exemplifies an orderly thought process. Each statement is related to previous ones in an irresistible way. p.59

We deal with just two or three concepts, such as the word "all"--which, though themselves finite, embody an infinitude; and by using them, we sidestep the apparent problem that there are an infinite number of facts we want to prove. p.60

Whether the rules for symbol manipulation are really of equal power (as far as number theory is concerned) to our usual mental reasoning abilities--or, more generally, whether it is theoretically possible to attain the level of our thinking abilities, by using some formal system. p.60

What is "music"--a sequence of vibrations in the air, or a succession of emotional responses in a brain? It is both. p.85

It seems that Godel has unearthed a hitherto unknown, but deeply significant, difference between human reasoning and mechanical reasoning. This mysterious discrepancy in the power of living and nonliving systems is mirrored in the discrepancy between the notion of truth, and that of theoremhood... or at least that is a "romantic" way to view the situation. p.87

In Euclid's Elements, the stuff out of which proofs were constructed was human language--that elusive, tricky medium of communication with so many hidden pitfalls. p.88

The simultaneity which is so frequent in scientific discovery: When the time is ripe for certain things, these things appear in different places in the manner of violets coming to light in early spring (Farkas Bolyai). p.92

What is meant by consistency of a formal system (together with an interpretation): that every theorem, when interpreted, becomes a true statement. Inconsistency occurs when there is at least one false statement among the interpreted theorems. ... Internal consistency does not require all theorems to come out true, but merely that they come out compatible with one another. p.95

A system-plus-interpretation would be logically consistent just as long as no two of its theorems, when interpreted as statements, directly contradict each other; and mathematically consistent just as long as interpreted theorems o not violate mathematics; and physically consistent just as long as all its interpreted theorems are compatible with physical law; then comes biological consistency, and so on. p.96

Genie: Meta-wishes are my favorite kind of wish. p.111 ... You can never totally expand GOD. p.113 ... Since I am the lowest djinn of all, my notion of GOD is the most exalted one. I pity the higher djinns, who fancy themselves somehow closer to GOD. What blasphemy! p.114

Just as a fish's DNA is contained inside every tiny bit of the fish, so a creator's "signature" is contained inside every tiny section of his creation. We don't know what to call it but "style"--a vague and elusive word. p.148

"When is one thing not always the same?" The issue we are broaching is whether meaning can be said to be inherent in a message, or whether meaning is always manufactured by the interaction of a mind or a mechanism with a message. p.158

One view says that in order for DNA to have meaning, chemical context is necessary; the other view says that only intelligence is necessary to real the "intrinsic meaning" of a strand of DNA. p.162

Meaning is part of an object to the extent that it acts upon intelligence in a predictable way. p.165

Books themselves are aperiodic crystals contained inside neat geometrical forms. p.167

We might well feel tempted to call the meteorite "stupid". p.172

Bach vs. Cage: Intelligence loves patterns and balks at randomness. For most people, the randomness in Cage's music requires much explanation; and even after explanations, they may feel they are missing the message--whereas with much of Bach, words are superfluous. In that sense, Bach's music is more self-contained than Cage's music. p.175

This system--the Propositional Calculus--steps neatly from truth to truth, carefully avoiding all falsities. ... It is all done mechanically, thoughtlessly, rigidly, even stupidly. p.187

The key idea of the Propositional Calculus: it produces theorems which when semi-interpreted, are seen to be "universally true semisentences", by which is meant that no matter how you complete the interpretation, the final result will be a true statement. p.189

The propositional Calculus gives us a set of rules for producing statements which would be true in all conceivable worlds. That is why all of its theorems sound so simple-minded; it seems that they have absolutely no content! Looked at this way, the Propositional Calculus might seem to be a waste of time, since what it tells us is absolutely trivial. p.190

There still is a metatheory--a view from outside--even for a theory which can "think about itself" inside itself. p.194

A proof is something informal, or in other words a product of normal thought, written in a human language, for human consumption. A derivation is an artificial counterpart of a proof, and its purpose is to reach the same goal but via a logical structure whose methods are not only all explicit, but also very simple. p.195

The Handling of Contradictions: If you found a contradiction in your own thoughts, it's very unlikely that your whole mentality would break down. ... COntradiction is a major source of clarification and progress in all domains of life--and mathematics is no exception. ... Rather than weakening mathematics, the discovery and repair of a contradiction would strengthen it. ... More radial attempts abandon completely the quest for completeness or consistency, and try to mimic human reasoning with all its inconsistencies. ... If ever an incompleteness or an inconsistency is uncovered,one can be sure that it will be the fault of the larger system, and not of its subsystem which is the Propositional Calculus. p.197

Crab Canon p.199

The English translation of a formula with at least one free variable--an open formula--is called a predicate. p.208

To me, Zen is intellectual quicksand--anarchy, darkness, meaninglessness, chaos. It is tantalizing and infuriating. And yet it is humorous, refreshing, enticing. Zen has its own special kind of meaning, brightness, and clarity. ... Koans are supposed to be "triggers" which, though they do not contain enough information in themselves to impart enlightenment, may possibly be sufficient to unlock the mechanisms inside one's mind that lead to enlightenment. But in general, the zen attitude is that words and truth are incompatiable, or at lesat that no words can capture truth. p.246

Zen's Struggle Against Dualism: Perhaps the most concise summary of enlightenment would be: transcending dualism. Dualism is the conceptual division of the world into categories. ... A major part of Zen is the fight against reliance on words. ... It is perhaps wrong to say that the enemy of enlightenment is logic; rather, it is dualistic, verbal thinking. In fact, it is even more basic than that: it is perception. As soon as you perceive an object, you draw a line between it and the rest of the world; you divide the world, artificially, into parts, and you thereby miss the Way. ... Words lead to some truth--some falsehood, perhaps, as well--but certainly not to all truth. p.252

Zen is holism, carried to its logical extreme. If holism claims that things can only be understood as wholes, not as sums of their parts, Zen goes one further, in maintaining that the world cannot be broken into parts at all. To divide the world into parts is to be deluded, and to miss enlightenment. ... An enlightened state is one where the borderlines between the self and the rest of the universe are dissolved. p.254

He can enter any world as if it were his own playground. p.259 *note*

Part I finished 3/14/01. Part II started summer 2005, and then again on 11/23/07.

To suggest ways of reconciling the software of mind with the hardware of brain is a main goal of this book. p.302

Are there intermediate-level weather phenomena which have so far escaped human perception, but which, if perceived, could give greater insight into why the weather is as it is? p.303

That is why people can have intuitive understandings of other people without necessarily understanding the quark model, the structure of nuclei, the nature of electron orbits, the chemical bond, the structure of proteins, the organelles in a cell, the methods of intercellular communication, the physiology of the various organs of the human body, or the complex interactions among organs. All that a person needs is a chunked model of how the highest level acts; and such models are very realistic and successful. p.306

A chunked model defines a "space" within which behavior is expected to fall, and specified probabilities of its falling in different parts of that space. p.306

Creatures which knew gases only as theoretical mathematical constructs would have to have an ability to synthesize new concepts, if they were to discover this law. p.308

Words and letters are PASSIVE, symbols and signals are ACTIVE. ... The reason is that the meaning which you attribute to any passive symbol, such as a word on a page, actually derives from the meaning which is carried by corresponding active symbols in your brain. So that the meaning of passive symbols can only be properly understood when it is related to the meaning of active symbols. p.325

The highest-level description seems to carry the most explanatory power, in that it gives you the most intuitive picture of the ant colony, although strangely enough, it leaves out seemingly the most important feature--the ants. p326

The intensionality of thought is connected to its flexibility; it gives us the ability to imagine hypothetical worlds, to amalgamate different descriptions or chop one description into separate pieces and so on. p.338

Fantasy and fact intermingle very closely in our minds, and this is because thinking involves the manufacture and manipulation of complex descriptions, which need in no way be tied down to real events or things. p.339

The successive stages of an object during its life history are its manifestations. p.351

The phenomena of consciousness and intelligence are indeed high-level in the same sense as most other complex phenomena of nature: they have their own high-level laws which depend on, yet are "liftable" out of, the lower levels. If, on the other hand, there is absolutely no way to realize symbol-triggering patterns without having all the hardware of neurons, this will imply that intelligence is a brain-bound phenomenon, and much more difficult to unravel than one which owes its existence to a hierarchy of laws on several different levels. p.359

Some sort of partial software isomorphism connecting the brains of people whose style of thinking is similar--in particular, a correspondence of (1) the repertoire of symbols, and (2) the triggering patterns of symbols. p.371

A non-native speaker will have picked up some words from dictionaries, novels, or classes--words which at some time may have been prevalent or preferable, but which are now far down in frequency. ... It is not the difference in native language, but the difference in culture (or subculture), that gives rise to this perceptual difference. p.377

When a thought recurs in someone's mind sufficiently often, it can get chunked into a single concept. p.377

"When I look at an article in Russian, I say, 'This is really written in English, but it has been coded in some strange symbols. I will now proceed to decode.'" Weaver's remark simply cannot be taken literally; it must rather be considered a provocative way of saying that there is an objectively describable meaning hidden in the symbols, or at least something pretty close to objective; therefore, there would be no reason to suppose a computer could not ferret it out, if sufficiently well programmed. p.380 (asw: also interesting discussion about "Different Styles of Translating Novels") ***

We all are bundles of contradictions, and we manage to hang together by bringing out only one side of ourselves at a given time. The selection cannot be predicted in advance, because the conditions which will force the selection are not known in advance. What the brain state can provide, if properly read, is a conditional description of the selection of routes. p.383

The symbols which represent new concepts are merely dormant symbols in each individual, waiting to be awakened. p.384

Where Is the Sense of Self? Our alternative to the soulist explanation--and a disconcerting one it is, too--is to stop at the symbol level and say, "This is it--this is what whenever there exist symbols in the system which obey triggering patterns somewhat like the ones described in the past several sections." Put so starkly, this may seem inadequate. How does it account for those sense of "I", the sense of self? p.385

Powerful subsystems came into being as a result of Escher's many years of training and submission to precisely the forces that molded his esthetic sensitivities. p.387 (asw: similar to the concept of "God"?)

Achilles: If some even number--for example, a trillion--failed to have the Tortoise property, it would be caused by an infinite number of separate pieces of information. It is funny to think of wrapping all that information up into one bundle, and calling it "The Achilles property" of 1 trillion. It is really a property of the number system as a WHOLE, not just of the number 1 trillion.
Tortoise: That is an interesting observation, but I maintain that it makes a good deal of sense to attach this fact to the number 1 trillion nevertheless. For purposes of illustration, consider the simpler statement "29 is prime". In fact, this statement really means that 2 times 2 is not 29, and 5 times 6 is not 29, and so forth. But you are perfectly happy to collect all such facts together, and attach them in a bundle to the number 29, saying merely, "29 is prime"? ... That's because an infinitude of facts are contained in your prior knowledge--they are embedded implicitly in the way you visualize things. You don't see an explicit infinity because it is captured implicitly inside the image you manipulate. p.398

A code presupposes a free choice among different, complementary aspects, each of which has equal claim to reality. Some of these aspects may be completely unknown to us now but they may reveal themselves to an observer with a different system of abstractions. How can we then still claim that we discover something out there in the objective real world? Does this not mean that we are merely creating things according to our own images and that reality is only within ourselves? p.409

Can every problem, like an orchard, be seen from such an angle that its secret is revealed? Or are there some problems in number theory which, no matter what angle they are seen from, remain mysteries? p.409

What Cantor wanted to show was that if a "directory" of real numbers were made, it would inevitably leave some real numbers out--so that actually, the notion of a complete directory of real numbers is a contradiction in terms. p.421

The essence of the diagonal method is the fact of using one integer in two different ways--or, one could say, using one integer on two different levels--thanks to which one can construct an item which is outside of some predetermined list. p.423

Chapter XIV On Formally Undecidable Propositions of TNT and Related Systems. (1) the deep discovery that there are strings of tNT which can be interpreted as speaking about other strings of TNT; TNT as a language is capable of "introspection", or self-scrutiny. This is what comes from Godel-numbering. (2) the property of self-scrutiny can be entirely concentrated into a single string; thus that string's sole focus of attention is itself. This "focusing trick" is traceable to the Cantor's diagonal method. p.438

The difference between expressing a property, and representing it... p.443

TNT's powers of introspection are great when it comes to expressing things, but fairly weak when it comes to proving them. p.450

To paraphrase the memorable words of Girolamo Saccheri, isn't what ~G says "repugnant to the nature of the natural numbers"? p.452

While each of them (new axioms) is "repugnant to the nature of previously known number systems", each of them also provides a deep and wonderful extension of the notion of whole numbers: rational numbers, negative numbers, irrational numbers, imaginary numbers. Such a possibility is what ~G is trying to get us to open our eyes to. p.452

Although theorems of TNT can rule out negative numbers, fractions, irrational numbers, and complex numbers, still there is no way to rule out infinitely large integers. p.454

The parallel with i--the square root of -1--still holds. Namely, recall that there is another number whose square is also minus one: -i. Now i and -i are not the same number. They just have a property in common. The only trouble is that it is the property which defines them! We have to choose one of them--it doesn't matter which one--and call it "i". In fact there's no way of telling them apart. So for all we know we could have been calling the wrong one "i" for all these centuries and it would have made no difference. p.454

There is one extremely curious and unexpected fact about supernaturals... this fact is reminiscent of the Heisenberg uncertainty principle in quantum mechanics. p.455

Nonstandard number theory is a disorienting thing when you first meet up with it. But then, non-Euclidean geometry is also a disorienting subject. In both instances, one is powerfully driven to ask, "But which one of these two rival theories is correct? Which is the truth?" In a certain sense, there is no answer to such a question. The reason that there is no answer to the question is that the two rival theories, although they employ the same terms, do not talk about the same concepts. p.456

This doesn't prove that 1 plus 1 equals 1; it just proves that our number-theoretical concept of "one" is not applicable in its full power to cloud-counting. p.457

Achilles: Every time you give one of my answers a NAME, it seems to signal the imminent shattering of my hopes that that answer will satisfy you. Why don't we just leave this Answer Schema nameless? p.464

The axiom schema is not powerful enough... ... G_omega was not clever enough to foresee its own embeddability inside number theory. p.468

Once a system is well-defined, or "boxed", it becomes vulnerable. ... It is the act of giving an explicit list--a "box" of reals--which causes the downfall. p.469

Beyond the critical point, the system suddenly attains the capacity for self-reference, and thereby dooms itself to incompleteness. p.470

About the structure of these "infinite ordinals": There is no recursively related notation-system which gives a name to every constructive ordinal. p.476

Any human being simply will reach the limits of his own ability to Godelize at some point. From there on out, formal systems of that complexity, though admittedly incomplete for the Godel reason, will have as much power as that human being. p.476

A Zen person is always trying to understand more deeply what he is, by stepping more and more out of what he sees himself to be, by breaking every rule and convention which he perceives himself to be chained by--needless to say, including those of Zen itself. Somewhere along this elusive path may come enlightenment, In any case, the hope is that by gradually deepening one's self-awareness, by gradually widening the scope of "the system", one will in the end come to a feeling of being at one with the entire universe. p.479 ***

G contain a description of its own Godel number, by means of the notions of "sub" and "arithmoquinifiation". p.497

Pointer phrases such as "this sentence" are interpreted according to context... p.498

This isomorphism that mirrors TNT inside the abstract realm of natural numbers can be likened to the quasi-isomorphism that mirrors the real world inside our brain, by means of symbols. p.502

An individual is never identical to either of its parents; why, then, is the act of making young called "self-reproduction"? The answer is that there is a coarse-grained isomorphism between parent and child; it is an isomorphism which preserves the information about species. Thus, what is reproduced is the class, rather than the instance. p.503

Every aspect of thinking can be viewed as a high-level description of a system which, on a low level, is governed by simple, even formal, rules. ... The only way to understand a complex system as a brain is by chunking it on higher and higher levels, and thereby losing some precision at each step. p.559

Hardy on Ramanujan's theorems: They must be true because, if they were not true, no one would have had the imagination to invent them. p.563

Many educated people ... considered Ramanujan's intuitive powers to be evidence of a mystical insight into Truth, and the fact of his fallibility seemed, if anything, to strengthen, rather than weaken, such beliefs. p.564

Processes which carry out deductive reasoning can be programmed in essentially one single level, and are therefore skimmable, by definition. Imagery and analogical thought processes intrinsically require several layers of substrate and are therefore instrinsically non-skimmable. It is precisely at this same point that creativity starts to emerge--which would imply that creativity intrinsically depends upon certain kinds of "uninterpretable lower-level events. p.571 ***creativity***

Meaning can exist on two or more different levels of a symbol-handling system, and along with meaning, rightness and wrongness can exist on all those levels. p.575

All intelligences are just variations on a single theme: to create true intelligence, AI workers will just have to keep pushing to ever lower levels, closer and closer to brain mechanism, if they wish their machines to attain the capabilities which we have. p.579

What is so bad about reproducing the Epimenides paradox? Is it of any consequence? After all, we already have it in English, and the English language has not gone up in smoke. p.581

There is no way of expressing the notion of truth inside TNT. This makes truth a far more elusive property than theoremhood, for the latter is expressible. p.581 (cf first quote)

There is a strange duality about the meaning of a piece of music: on the one hand, it seems to be spread around, by virtue of its relation to many other things in the world--and yet, on the other hand, the meaning of a piece of music is obviously derived from the music itself, so it must be localized somewhere inside the music. ... the interpreter's role being to assemble it gradually. ... Musical pieces and pieces of text are partly triggers, and partly carriers of explicit meaning. p.583

Abandon the notion that a brain could ever provide a fully accurate representation for the notion of truth. The novelty of this resolution lies in its suggestion that a total modeling of truth is impossible for quite physical reason: namely, such a modeling would require physically incompatible events to occur in a brain. p.585

Steiner, who grew up trilingual, devotes several pages in After Babel to the intermingling of French, English, and German in the layers of his mind, and how his different languages afford different ports of access onto concepts. p.671

In music, in particular, John Cage has been very influential in bringing a Zen-like approach to sound. Many of his pieces convey a disdain for "use" of sounds--that is, using sounds to convey emotional states--and an exultation in "mentioning" sounds--that is, concocting arbitrary juxtapositions of sounds without regard to any previously formulated code by which a listener could decode them into a message. A typical example is "Imaginary Landscape no.4". I may not be doing Cage justice, but to me it seems that much of his work has been directed at bringing meaninglessness into music, and in some sense, at making that meaninglessness have meaning. Aleatoric music is a typical exploration in that direction. There are many other contemporary composers who are following Cage's lead, but few with as much originality. A piece by Anna Lockwood, called "Piano Burning", involves just that--with the strings stretched to maximum tightness, to make them snap as loudly as possible; in a piece by LaMonte Young, the noises are provided by shoving the piano all around the stage and through obstacles, like a battering ram. p.700

Imaginary Landscape no.4: This piece is a classic of aleatoric, or chance, music--music whose structure is chosen by various random processes, rather than by an attempt to convey a personal emotion. IN this case, twenty-four performers attach themselves to the twenty-four knobs on twelve radios. For the duration of the piece they twiddle their knobs in aleatoric ways so that each radio randomly gets louder and softer, switching stations all the while. The total sound produced is the piece of music. Cage's attitude is expressed in his own words: "to let sounds be themselves, rather than vehicles for man-made theories or expressions of human sentiments."

A large number of influences, which no one could hope to pin down completely, led to further explorations of the symbol-object dualism in art. There is no doubt that John Cage, with his interest in Zen, had a profound influence on art as well as on music. His friends Jasper Johns and Robert Rauschenberg both explored the distinction between objects and symbols by using objects as symbols for themselves--or, to flip the coin, by using symbols as objects in themselves. All of this was perhaps intended to break down the notion that art is one step removed from reality--that art speaks in "code", for which the viewer must act as interpreter. The idea was to eliminate the step of interpretation and let the naked object simple be, period. ("Period"--a curious case of use-mention blur.) However, if this was the intention, it was a monumental flop, and perhaps had to be. p.703

What might such high-level concepts be? It has been proposed for eons, by various holistically or "soulistically" inclined scientists and humanists, that consciousness is a phenomennon that escapes explanation in terms of brain-components. p.708

"Emergent" phenomena would become explicable in terms of a relationship between different levels in mental systems. p.709

American Cities That Best Fit You

2008-01-16T22:04:00.000-08:00

American Cities That Best Fit You:

70% Chicago
60% Honolulu
60% Philadelphia
50% Atlanta
50% Miami

Which American Cities Best Fit You?

Movie: Koyaanisqatsi

2008-01-07T20:48:00.000-08:00

We saw the 1982 movie Koyaanisqatsi (Life Out of Balance) the other day on DVD. It is directed by Reggio with music by Philip Glass. There is no spoken word in the whole movie. The movie consists of stunning images of nature and of human life. The time-exposures of cloudscape and city life are the most astonishing. Unfortunately, Mike feels the movie has less impact nowadays than when it first came out, because our current media is filled with stunning images like the ones in the movie, and we are jaded as viewers. Also the computer graphics can produce many if not all of the photographical effects in the movie. Soon we will lose the ability to tell what is real and what is artificial. Then we will really achieve the life out of balance.

胡说美国总统大选

2008-01-07T18:20:00.000-08:00

今年忙，我又不关心政治了。我觉得 Obama 选不上。美国人象我这样不动脑子的人很多。我不是美国人，没发言权，但我在密西根住过四年，跟中西部中年中产阶级男的白人交往过，我知道美国选举是怎么回事了。八年前，我在报纸上看了 Bush 和 Gore 的照片，就知道 Gore 肯定选不上。这次也一样。我不看新闻，只看到几个候选人的照片。Obama 看起来是黑人，又年轻，年轻的黑人肯定选不上。Hillary 是女人，女人也选不上，何况他又是 Clinton 的太太，不喜欢 Clinton 的人更不会喜欢他太太。美国人看人只看表面，根本不会动脑筋听你说什么，听也听不懂，而且不喜欢认错。自从我读了 Micheal Moore 的 Stupid White Men 以后，我也基本同意他说的，民主党和共和党候选人都差不多，选出的总统换汤不换药。当然象 Bush 这样的汤还是太糟一些的。另外，前两年看小说 Middlesex，作者说美国人喜欢总统名字不超过两个音节的：

"Dukakis." A name with more than two vowels in it running for President! The last time that had happened was Eisenhower (who looked good on a tank). Generally speaking, Americans like their presidents to have no more than two vowels. Truman. Johnson. Nixon. Clinton. If they have more than two vowels (Reagan), they can have no more than two syllables. Even better is one syllable and one vowel: Bush. Had to do that twice. Why did Mario Cuomo decide against running for President? What conclusion did he come to as he withdrew to think the matter through? Unlike Michael Dukakis, who was from academic Massachusetts, Mario Cuomo was from New York and knew what was what. Cuomo knew he'd never win. Too liberal for the moment, certainly. But also: too many vowels.

八年前，我的爱人说 McCain 是好人，但他没过初选。听说这次他又出来选了，虽然年纪大一些，我还是希望他能胜出，因为我的爱人的年纪也很大了。

我胡说一气，但我相信美国很多选民也象我一样不懂乱来的。美国政选就是用来乱搞的。

Book: The Kite Runner

2008-01-04T16:41:00.000-08:00

今天我也看完了 Kite Runner。我本来也不看畅销书的，偶尔看过的几本，Memoirs of a Geisha, Life of Pi, The Red Tent, Da Vinci Code，看的时候来劲，看完了就觉得空虚。新年前在一个聚会上听人讲到 Kite Runner 作者的两本书，居然没听说过，来 cafe 一查，见到绿茶MM写过书评，觉得还是应该找来读读，就在网上买了一本，度假的时候看。结果也看上瘾了。一边看一边批评，还一边想赶快看完。

开始以为是自传体小说，因为书中有很多和主题故事无关的细节，而且觉得作者的英文和我的差不多，写法也类似。读到一半，到网上查看作者生平，发现生平和小说相差很多，就顿时觉得小说编的部分太做作，情节的机关太多，伏笔太明显。虽然故事情节挺戏剧化的，但是作者文笔不好，这种煽情的书只适合作畅销书和改编电影。另外很烦的就是，书中不停的用外文，然后不停的翻译。作者是个医生，书中还有过多的医学用语。这些外文和医学用语，虽然加强了所谓的真实感，实际上却打乱了故事的通畅性。反而，作者对风筝比赛的描写又太少了。我看到的是一个非常 ADD 的作者。正如绿茶mm所说，书中最有真实感的是作者对小时候的故乡情景的描写。

前两年看的一本 Middlesex，也算是畅销书，讲的是一个在密西根成长的双性人的经历，其中也有希腊移民的故事，不知是不是编的，但我就觉得有真实感。所以那本书得了 Pulitzer Prize，而 Kite Runner, Memoirs of a Geisha, Da Vinci Code 这类书拍了电影。

刚才到网上看了电影的预告，已经大致知道电影是怎样的了，不打算看了。

这算是2008年读的第一本书。

re: http://www.mayacafe.com/forum/topic1sp.php3?tkey=1182313955

musical and opera

2007-12-23T15:40:00.000-08:00

>xiaoman wrote:
>老尚,请给小曼扫盲,音乐剧和歌剧有什么区别呢?

主要的音乐上的分别是，歌剧从头到尾都是唱的。音乐剧一般在歌曲中间穿插有对话，有歌(songs)有舞。歌剧的音乐不叫歌。音乐剧是美国的产物，全名是 musical comedy，在别的国家有别的名字（只记得在英国好象叫 musical theatre）。歌剧是用嗓子唱的，音乐剧是用麦克风唱的。

音乐史老师说 Andrew Llyod Webber 没有创意，只是一个很好的编排者 (arranger)。我大学的时候迷他，可现在一点儿也不能听他了。

有一阵子我非常迷 Stephen Sondheim。现在也喜欢他。他的音乐和歌词很有味道。

很多音乐剧最后都搬上屏幕。另外，很多动画片后来也改变成音乐剧。九十年代出了不少这样的动画片。

baby 9 months

2007-12-13T21:25:00.000-08:00

Baby is 9 months already. On his checkup day, he is 22 lbs 5 oz, and 30 in. Head circumference is 46.6 cm. He needs more floor time. We put him on the floor the last few days, and now he can move around. He is not officially crawling. His tummy is on the floor when he moves. His right arm is tucked under him and he only uses his left side to propel forward. His head would hit the floor when he let his body fall to the right. Fortunately he has a helmet now. He can move backward fairly quickly, and sometimes he get trapped under the crib. He turns around easily. Today he was playing with a cap, and he chased after it only to throw it away again and again.
He sleeps from 8:30pm to 7:30am at night, and two 1-2 hour naps during the day. He gets himself trapped in a corner, or he sleeps on his tummy. At night when I go into his room to turn of the light, he is always fast asleep.
He enjoy swing time. We go out every afternoon to the park or the beach. We will eat a baby yogurt. Yogurt is his favorite food. He also loves kiwi fruit. He eats three meals a day and one afternoon snack, in addition to three times breastmilk. He doesn't seem to like baby food much now. He would eat a few bites initially, and when he is not hungry, he would keep his lips tightly closed no matter what. I will try to make him laugh so I can shuffle some food into his mouth, but he would smile without opening his mouth. Sometimes he would open his mouth slightly and use his tongue to taste the food to decide whether he wants to eat it or not.

He has not said more words lately. He has not said mama for a while. Sometimes he avoids my eye contacts. I think it's because I am always busy with my own things and I am not paying his much attention. He is such a good baby. He can sit by himself for a long time without bothering me. Even if he wants to protest, he is very quiet and will not protest for long. He loves to observe and think. I need to spend more quality time with him.

I went shopping last two days when Linda was watching him. In the mall, I saw many mothers with strollers. I have never went shopping with the baby. I don't know if the baby is missing some important experience, or it is better that he stays home enjoying familiar environment. I don't go shopping very often myself. I just don't like putting baby into the car and out again. If it's a local shop, I usually will take the baby with me.

He loves computer keyboard. He grabs it and throws it on the floor. Why?

圣璜教会 Mission San Juan Capistrano

2007-12-09T20:08:00.000-08:00

周末带宝宝去看望他爷爷。爷爷住在南加州橙县的圣璜卡皮斯川诺（San Juan Capistrano）。那里有一个著名的传教会，我一直没有去过。星期天下午，天高气爽，我们顺路去转了一圈。门票9元。没想到里面还很大，教堂啦，花园啦，博物馆啦，遗址啦，半个小时转不完。匆匆拍了几张照片留念。等夏天再去。

教会是1776年建的，至今已经有231年的历史。

一进门，就见到一个大教堂的遗迹。这是大石教堂（Great Stone Church），1797年起建，花了九年时间，用印第安人的民工，于1806年建成，是当年加州最壮观的教堂。可惜六年之后，1812年12月8日，一场大地震把教堂震倒，压死42个正在做礼拜的印第安人。这个教堂再也没有重建。

大石教堂的残垣断壁，让我想到以前去过的那些罗马遗址、埃及古迹。

大石教堂的一面墙。

大石教堂遗址的钟。

Serra 神父和印第安男孩的雕像，建于 1914。雕像象征新旧文化的交流。

教会里的走廊。我看到明信片上的走廊都围满了鲜花，料想夏天这里一定漂亮。

教会一景。

Serra Chapel 礼拜堂，建于 1782 年。台前的金壁辉煌的巴洛克装饰（retablo）是从西班牙运来的，至少有400年历史。虽然正在维修，仍能看出当年的光彩。

长廊。

幽静的长廊。

教会中心是一个漂亮的花园。

花园的中心是一个摩尔风格的喷泉，冬天里也这样漂亮。

花园里的喷水池。

喷水池中的金鱼。

看金鱼的宝宝。

水池中的莲花。这是入门处的水池。

夕阳下的教会内景。

这一排房子是士兵的宿舍。

夕阳中的几棵棕榈树。

Hermosa Beach

2007-12-07T19:52:00.000-08:00

Baby Video Playlists

2007-12-04T21:05:00.000-08:00

Baby Laughing:

Baby Talking:

Baby Loves Music:

Scriabin (notes)

2007-12-04T13:26:00.000-08:00

Alexander Nikolaievich scriabin was born in 1872 into a world shaped from the very outset to indulge and stimulate him. His mother, a concert pianist and former student of Leschetizky, died when he was just 15 months old. His father entered the consular service shortly afterwards and was sent to various posts in Crete and Turkey, leaving his baby in the care of his parents. His father was to marry again in 1880 but as Consul-General at Erzurum he was only allowed a mere four months' leave every 3 years to return home. So it was that little Alexander's childhood came under the protection of his grandmother (his grandfather, the aristocratic Colonel Alexander Scriabin died when the boy was 8) and his aunt Lyubov, two women who adored him fanatically.

Scriabin was 10 before any serious education, either musical or general, started. The young Sasha declared his wish to enter the Second Moscow Cadet Corps instead of civil school. This surprising request was probably prompted by the strong military background in the scriabin family (all his uncles were in the army). In 1882, the pale little boy enrolled at the Cadet Corps where, just as at home, he was pampered and indulged. One of his uncles was on the tutorial staff and instead of sharing quarters with the other cadets, he lived at his uncle's official residence. Academically he was consistently at the head of his class and in the summer of 1883 he finally received his first formal music lessons.

Georgy Konyus, a pupil of Paul Pabst, was a friend of the Scriabin ladies and although only 21 years old he began teaching Sasha the piano. Konyus later recalled his first impressions: "What a puny little boy! Pale, short, looking younger than his years... He learned things quickly but, probably owning to his weak physique, his playing was always ethereal and monotonous". Konyus gave the boy Cramer studies, some of Mendelssohn's Songs without Words and easy Chopin to study. Evidence of Scriabin's ready ability to learn can be seen in his earliest surviving composiiton, the Canon in D minor (1883). Already there is a languid, almost sensual quality to the music--a characteristic that would be developed further in the future. In the spring of 1884, however, the lessons came to an end. Sasha had contracted an illness which nearly killed him, and during his convalescence he wrote a Nocturne in A flat major (1884). Echoing the nocturnes of John Field, this early piece also shows the influence Chopin was to have on Scriabin. At one point the music clearly suggests Chopin's Etude Op 10 No 1, a piece that Sasha may indeed have been studying at the time. Scribain was by now, and for many years afterwards, in love with Chopin's music.

1884 was an important year for the young cadet. He realized what everyone else had probably always know, that a life in the army was not for him. There was no possibility of being allowed to leave the Cadet Corp prematurely, however, and he remained at the Cadet School until 1889. In the meantime he was helped by Sergei Taneyev who taught him the essentials of composition and advised him to study piano with Nikolai Zverev, the most fashionable teacher in Moscow. Autocratic, irritable, but also kind-hearted and generous, Zverev would allow 2 or 3 of his best students to live with him, feeding, clothing and teaching theme for nothing. Once again scriabin found himself in a privileged position. Although still living at the Cadet Corps and therefore unable to be part of his teacher's inner circle, he did become a favorite pupil. every Sunday evening, Zverev would entertain Moscow's leading intellectuals at his home. The young scriabin was regularly invited to entertain at these gatherings where he played not only difficult works such as Schumann's "Paganini" Studies but also his won compositions. At least 5 works from his period survived, 3 of them waltzes.

In January 1888 Scriabin entered the Moscow Conservatory. As in childhood and later at the Cadet Corps, Scriabin found himself at the center of considerable pampering. Taneyev, who had given Scriabin his first informal composition lessons 2 years earlier, was Director of the Conservatory and Scriabin continued to study counterpoint with him. His new piano teacher was Safonov, who was delighted with Scriabin's playing, declaring that "he made the instrument breathe". He was particularly impressed by his student's mastery of the sustaining pedal, and "Sasha-like pedalling" became a term of highest praise.

Considering Scriabin's long-standing "love affair" with Chopin's music, it is surprising that he should have written so few nocturnes.... Scriabin would write only one other nocturne, the second of his Two Pieces for Left Hand Op 9. Both works for left hand were written as a consequence of a nearly disastrous injury to his right hand. Having always been the darling of his teachers and relatives, Scriabin found himself by 1891 with stiff competition. His fellow students at the Moscow Conservatory included Rachmaninov, Josef Hofmann and Josef Lhevinne and due to over-practice of Balakirev's Islamey and Liszt's Reminiscences de Don Juan, Scriabin temporarily lost the full use of his right hand. Both the Prelude and the Nocturne are lovely works, and despite his setback Scriabin still seems intent on proving his ability as a pianist by turning the Nocturne in particular into a technical tour de force.

-- CD note from The Early Scriabin by Stephen Coombs

New Books

2007-12-03T23:59:00.000-08:00

book sale purchases

2007-12-03T20:17:00.000-08:00

I bought some books in the last few weeks at Manhattan Beach and Hermosa Beach Library Book Sale.

Manhattan Beach:
The Secret Garden by Frances Burnett
The Universe and Dr. Einstein by Lincoln Barnett
and a photography book, some baby books.

Hermosa Beach:
The Hours by Michael Cunningham ($0.50)

Hermosa Beach Friends of Library Book Sale:
The Crucible by Arthur Miller
The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer
Lonesome Dove by Larry McCurty
Sister Carrie by Theodore Dreiser
The Tenth Man by Graham Greene
The Stranger by Albert Camus
and four piano books, baby book (what to expect), history of the world (HG Wells), plus two giant volumes of finance books, all for only $4. Good deal!

Lonesome Dove is so far the most highly rated book I have. On amazon, it has 364 votes with average vote of 5 stars. Previously the best rated book was Endurance.

I am reading GEB. I don't know when I will finish it. Next I will read Lonesome Dove. It's on Dan's list.

Music: Scriabin Nocturne for Left Hand Op.9 No.2

2007-11-27T22:53:00.000-08:00

Notes: Scriabin Nocturne for Left Hand Op.9 No.2

Before the first note, get ready and hear the sound in the head. Start peacefully without rush, without agitation.

The fingers are strong. Keep the bridge.

The arm is free. Feel the weight of the arm. Drop the wrist to connect. Use slow motion.

More arm motion in broken chords. Slow descent. No attack. Bring arm over to connect.

Thumb in left hand is the top voice. More sound to thumb. Hear the resolutions.

Clean pedal use. Include all notes in a chord.

Start the middle section with a different energy. Begin mysteriously. Save the full force for later. Keep the pace. No stop. Take time to expand the sound.

The sound of the climax is big and mighty. Big gesture. Allow freedom of the arm. Lean toward the sound.

Cadenza should be one stroke without interruption. Keep pedal throughout. Use soft pedal in the beginning and phase out in the high register. Play legato, and use wrist to connect. This section is poetic and musical. Create texture and shift.

Ending broken chords should be slow. Listen carefully to sound quality. Think about the voice of a singer.

Scriabin is all about color, intimacy, and refinement of sound. Craft each sound.

Take breath with music.

baby at 8.5 months

2007-11-26T23:57:00.000-08:00

Baby had separation anxiety for a few days when he was having a cold. He cried whenever he saw me going toward the door. If I turned back, it would all be better. But after he have recovered, he no longer cares if I am around or not. If I goes to the bathroom or another room, he would turn onto his tummy and look toward my direction, and when he sees me, he would laugh excitely. He is always ready for a game of peekaboo, especially if I hide myself underneath a bed, because he could roll around looking for me. He does not like to be put down in his crib to sleep during the day.
He loves to drop objects to the ground. When he is on the swing, he always throws his toys and then looks for them. Sometimes he would pick up a toy and drop it, and giggle. He has also tested the gravitational property of hard-broiled eggs but he does not like it.

Baby sits up well. He perfers standing. He looks proud whenever he is standing. He can sometimes stand on his own while holding onto something, but his legs would give up soon.
Baby loves yogurt. He is eating egg yolk, mashed potatoes, cheese, and he drinks a lot of water and a little pear juice. He tried to eat babana one day and it was so messy.

Yesterday he repeated after me when I said "mamamama" and "babababa". If I said "yangyangyangyang" or another sound that he did not know, he would not repeat after me. Today he only did it once. Most of the time he would not respond if I call his name. But his hearing is extremely acute. Whenever he hears a little noise outside of his door, he would perk up and look toward the door.

Today we went to see the helmet people. Glenn was very happy with his progress. His head is about normal symmetry now, although he has only grown a little in circumference (46.5 cm). I hope he can get off the helmet soon. I miss touching his head.

Baby is curious, attentive, focused, easily pleased, and happy. We love him very much.

Movie: Sicko

2007-11-24T20:03:00.000-08:00

Sicko is OK. Everyone likes the film because every American has problem with the health care system, while everyone else loves to see how bad American health care system really is. But overall it is not a good film. There is no clear outline to follow. The stories seems to be dumped together randomly. Michael Moore uses too many public stunts to illuminate the absurdity of the system and appeal to the emotion of the audience, thus losing some credibility as a documentary. It is a documentary only to the film maker's own research and exploration. Of the three Micheal Moore's movies I have seen, I like Bowling for Columbine the best. The Corporation is not bad. My friend told me that Roger & Me (1989) is his best. I have yet to see that one.

Book: How to Read a Book

2007-11-22T13:42:00.000-08:00

I bought the book How to Read a Book 8 years ago when I heard a English teacher friend telling a writer friend how everyone should be made to read this book. I had been trying to read this book since. I had a few false starts, and never got very far. Last month I had finally decided to put everything aside and read this book from beginning to end. It went very slowly. I could only read a few pages each night before getting too bored. But I was determined to work on it. Last night I finally finished it. I even read the appendix and took the reading tests.

While I was reading it, I kept saying to myself that it was the most boring book I had ever read. How do you write a book about how to read a book? How do you teach people to read a book in a book? You have to assume that the reader cannot read a book properly. Then you go step by step, slowly and patiently. You repeat yourself over and over again to make sure the reader does not miss any point. In addition, you want the book to be as good as the great books you teach the reader to read. The result is a perfect book which is tedious and dry.

The authors, Mortimer Adler and Charles van Doren, are from the Institute for Philosophical Research, and I assume they are certain philosophers. they are editors of Annals of America, and Great Books of the Western World. The book is a second edition, published in 1972. The first edition was published in 1940. Some of the research methods described in the book is now outdated, since we have internet and search engines for research. I want to see a third edition to this book that include the current research technologies.

Nonetheless, there are a few things I find interesting and informative from the book.

1. This book talks about how to read not for entertainment, not for information, but for understanding, and describes the difference between the different reading goals. Only reading for understanding can help us grow.

2. Make the book your own by writing in the margins, the front and the back blank pages of the book, and underlining important passages.

3. Read the dust cover, the front matters, the table of contents, the index, before reading the book. But if the book is imaginative literature, do not read the commentary first. Go directly into the book, and try to understand the book on your own before reading any commentaries and reading guides.

4. In the appendix B there are several reading exercises and tests. The subjects are interesting in themselves--biographies of John Stuart Mill (1806-1873), Sir Isaac Newton (1612-1727), Dante Alighieri (1265-1321), Charles Darwin (1809-1882), tables of contents of The Divine Comedy, The Origin of Species, and Passages from Aristotle's Politics and Rousseau's The Social Contract. I've learned something about these men and their works.

This following passage is insightful:

Perhaps we know more about the world than we used to, and insofar as knowledge is prerequisite to understanding, that is all to the good. But knowledge is not as much a prerequisite to understanding as is commonly supposed. We do not have to know everything about something in order to understand it; too many facts are often as much of an obstacle to understanding as too few. There is a sense in which we moderns are inundated with facts to the detriment of understanding.

One of the reasons for this situation is that the very media we have mentioned are so designed as to make thinking seem unnecessary (though this is only an appearance). The packaging of intellectual positions and views is one of the most active enterprises of some of the best minds of our day. The viewer of television, the listener to radio, the reader of magazines, is presented with a whole complex of elements--all the way from ingenious rhetoric to carefully selected data and statistics--to make it easy for him to "make up his own mind" with the minimum of difficulty and effort. But the packaging is often done so effectively that the viewer, listener, or reader does not make up his own mind at all. Instead, he inserts a packaged opinion into his mind, somewhat like inserting a cassette into a cassette player. He then pushes a button and "plays back" the opinion whenever it seems appropriate to do so. he has performed acceptably without having had to think. (p.4)

Some other passages of interest:

Because of the difference in method and subject matter, the philosopher usually finds it easier to teach students who have not been previously taught by his colleagues, whereas the scientist prefers the student whom his colleagues have already prepared. (p.74)

Remember Bacon's recommendation to the reader: "Read not to contradict and confute; nor to believe and take for granted; nor to find talk and discourse; but to weigh and consider." (p.139)

The reader who supposes he should be totally deaf to all appeals might just as well not read practical books. (p.198)

Here's an except illustrating the dryness of the book (and also shows its date):

Suppose, for example, that you read an article about how to make a chocolate mousse. You like chocolate mousse, and so you agree with the authoer of the article that the end in view is good. You also accept the author's proposed means for attaining the end--his recipe. But you are a male reader who never goes into the kitchen, and so you do not make a mousse. does this invalidate our point?

It does not, although it does indicate an important distinction between types of practical books that should be mentioned. with regard to the ends proposed by the authors of such works, these are sometimes general or universal--applicable to all human beings--and sometimes applicable only to a certain portion of human beings. If the end is universal--as it is, for example, with this book, which maintains that all persons should read better, not just some--then the implication discussed in this section applies to every reader. If the end is selective, applying only to a certain class of human beings, then the reader must decide whether or not he belongs to that class. if he does, then the implication applies to him, and he is more or less obligated to act in the way s specified by the author. if he does not, then he may not be so obligated.

We say "may not be so obligated" because there is a strong possibility that the reader may be fooling himself, or misunderstanding his own motives, in deciding that he does not belong to the class to which the end is relevant. in the case of the reader of the article about chocolate mousse, he is probably, by his inaction, expressing his view that, although mousse is admittedly delicious, someone else--perhaps his wife--should be the one to make it. And in many cases, we concede the desirability of an end and the feasibility of the means, but in one way or another express our reluctance to perform the action ourselves. Let someone else do it, we say, more or less explicitly.

This, of course, is not primarily a reading problem but rather a psychological one. Nevertheless, the psychological fact has bearing on how effectively we read a practical book, and so we have discussed the matter here.

Hermosa Beach Sunset during California Fire

2007-11-22T13:31:00.000-08:00

10/22/07

10/24/07

11/4/07

TTC: Biology and Human Behavior: The Neurological Origins of Individuality

2007-11-19T15:13:00.000-08:00

Biology and Human Behavior: The Neurological Origins of Individuality, 2nd Edition
(24 lectures, 30 minutes/lecture)
Robert Sapolsky, Stanford University

When are we responsible for our own actions, and when are we in the grip of biological forces beyond our control? This intriguing question is the scientific province of behavioral biology, a field that explores interactions among the brain, mind, body, and environment that have a surprising influence on how we behave—from the people we fall in love with, to the intensity of our spiritual lives, to the degree of our aggressive impulses. In short, it is the study of how our brains make us the individuals that we are.

Biology and Human Behavior: The Neurological Origins of Individuality, 2nd Edition, is an interdisciplinary approach to this fascinating subject. In 24 lectures, you will investigate how the human brain is sculpted by evolution, constrained or freed by genes, shaped by early experience, modulated by hormones, and otherwise influenced to produce a wide range of behaviors, some of them abnormal. You will see that little can be explained by thinking about any one of these factors alone because some combination of influences is almost always at work.

This course is a newly recorded and much-expanded update of Professor Robert Sapolsky's original Teaching Company course introduced in 1998, which was lauded as "extremely stimulating" by The American Biology Teacher.

A prominent neurobiologist, zoologist, and MacArthur "genius" grant recipient, Professor Sapolsky is a spellbinding lecturer who is also very entertaining. In a feature story in The New York Times, he was compared to a cross between renowned primatologist Jane Goodall and a borscht belt comedian. An article in the alumni magazine at Stanford University, where he teaches, called him "a man who exudes adrenaline and has a reservoir of intensity deep enough to spin the turbines at Hoover Dam."

The course opens with an introductory lecture and then proceeds to Modules I and II, which start at the level of how a single neuron works. You build upward to examine how millions of neurons in a particular region of the brain operate. The focus is on the regions of the brain most pertinent to emotion and behavior.

Modules III, IV, and V explore how the brain and behavior are regulated. First, you cover how the brain regulates hormones and how hormones influence brain function and behavior. Next you examine how both the brain and behavior evolved, covering contemporary thinking about how natural selection has sculpted and optimized behavior and how that optimization is mediated by brain function. Then you focus on a bridge between evolution and the brain, investigating what genes at the molecular level have to do with brain function and how those genes have evolved.

Module VI examines ethology, which is the study of the behavior of animals in their natural habitats. The focus in these lectures is on how hormones, evolution, genes, and behavior are extremely sensitive to environment.

Finally, Module VII explores how the various approaches—neurobiology, neuroendocrinology, evolution, genetics, and ethology—help explain an actual set of behaviors, with a particular focus on aggression. The final lecture summarizes what is known about the biology of human behavior and probes the societal implications of having such knowledge.

As you work through this thought-provoking and engaging material, you will learn much about your own behavior, not to mention that of others. One particularly intriguing region of the brain relating to behavior is the frontal cortex, which plays a central role in decision-making, gratification postponement, and other important functions. The frontal cortex is the part of the brain that "makes you do the harder thing," whether it is concentrating on an unwelcome task, keeping anger under control, or telling a white lie about a spouse's new haircut. Consider these cases:

* What happens when there is essentially no frontal cortex?: Railroad worker Phineas Gage suffered a massive frontal cortical lesion in a serious accident in the 1840s. Overnight, he changed from a sober, conscientious worker to a profane, aggressive, socially inappropriate man who could never regularly work again. The loss of his frontal cortex meant he lost his emotional regulation; he had no means to do the "harder thing."
* What happens when the frontal cortex is "offline"?: During rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, the frontal cortex goes offline, which explains why dreams are often wild and unrepressed—why dreams are dreamlike. People don't dream about balancing a checkbook. They dream about dancing in musicals or floating in the air.
* What happens when the frontal cortex is immature?: One of the great myths is that the brain is completely wired up and matured at a very early stage. However, the frontal cortex is not fully functional until an individual is about a quarter-century old—a fact that explains a lot of fraternity behavior, notes Professor Sapolsky. With this in mind, it's worth asking if a 16-year-old violent criminal is not, by definition, organically impaired in frontal cortical function.

The myth of the fully wired, mature young brain is one of the often-heard pieces of misinformation that this course corrects. Other areas where Professor Sapolsky revises widely held beliefs include:

* "For the good of the species": The old notion of group selection has been proven wildly incorrect. This is the idea that animals behave "for the good of the species" and that behaviors are driven by ways to increase the likelihood of the species surviving and multiplying. Evolution is not about animals behaving for the good of the species but, rather, behaving to optimize the number of copies of their own genes to pass on to the next generation.
* The inevitability of social structures: Professor Sapolsky's own fieldwork in Africa has shown that an archetypal male-dominated, aggressive society of baboons can change radically to a tradition of low aggression within a single generation. "If these guys are freed from the central casting roles for them in the anthropology textbooks, we as a species have no excuse to say we have inevitable social structures," he says.

At the end of the course, Professor Sapolsky explores the implications of our emerging understanding of the origins of individual differences. How much do these insights threaten our own sense of self and individuality? Where do we draw the line between the essence of the person and the biological abnormalities? What counts as being ill? Who is biologically impaired, and who is just different? As more and more subtle abnormalities of neurobiology are understood, how much should we worry about the temptation to label people as "abnormal"? And what happens when we each have a few of these labels?

These and other questions should concern us all. But while Professor Sapolsky sees alarming trends, he also sees cause for hope. We needn't worry that we are on the verge of unmasking the secret behind everything we do, he says, since we can never explain everything; every answer opens up a dozen new questions. Furthermore, to explain something is not to destroy the capacity to be moved by it. "In the end," says Professor Sapolsky, "the purpose of science is not to cure us of our sense of mystery and wonder but to constantly reinvent and reinvigorate it."

Course Lecture Titles
1. Biology and Behavior—An Introduction
2. The Basic Cells of the Nervous System
3. How Two Neurons Communicate
4. Learning and Synaptic Plasticity
5. The Dynamics of Interacting Neurons
6. The Limbic System
7. The Autonomic Nervous System (ANS)
8. The Regulation of Hormones by the Brain
9. The Regulation of the Brain by Hormones
10. The Evolution of Behavior
11. The Evolution of Behavior—Some Examples
12. Cooperation, Competition, and Neuroeconomics
13. What Do Genes Do? Microevolution of Genes
14. What Do Genes Do? Macroevolution of Genes
15. Behavior Genetics
16. Behavior Genetics and Prenatal Environment
17. An Introduction to Ethology
18. Neuroethology
19. The Neurobiology of Aggression I
20. The Neurobiology of Aggression II
21. Hormones and Aggression
22. Early Experience and Aggression
23. Evolution, Aggression, and Cooperation
24. A Summary

baby drinks water, crawls backward

2007-11-03T14:59:00.000-07:00

Finally baby was able to drink water out of his little cup. He had been trying for a while now. He often positioned the cup wrong. Sometimes the spurt would be upside down. Sometimes he could not tilt the cup to the right angle. Sometimes he even sucked on the bottom of the cup. Whenever I tried to re-position his cup for him, he just abandoned the cup altogether and opened his mouth big and wide, waiting for me to feed him. Maybe I had not given him enough chance to try to do things on his own. But today he got it.

Another "milestone" he had reached today was crawling backward. This morning I left him on his tummy on the matt and I went to another room to grab something. When I came back, he was moved backward, and his legs were off the matt. Clearly he had figured out how to crawl backward. Then I put him in his crib and later I saw him moved toward the feet end.

He still doesn't like that "moo" sound on his exersaucer. Every time it makes him cry. So funny.

Halloween

2007-10-31T23:03:00.000-07:00

Today is baby's first Halloween. It is also the first time I go to trick-or-treat. We got a pumpkin over the weekend but didn't have time to carve it. Today Mike drew a face on the pumpkin and set it on the front porch. We also got two tombstones and a lot of halloween candles. And tons of candies. We looked for a costum for baby but didn't find anything that would fit his helmet. Eventually we decided to go with the football theme, since he already has a Bears jersey, and we could all wear the matching Bears uniform. This way we are not buying something that he can only wear for a couple of hours.

We all put on our jersey and jeans, and set out around 7:45 (after we had pasta--Baby ate some too!). Our neighbors gave us tips of where to go to get candies, but we decided to look for the haunted house party. Mike just wanted to see the actions and skipped all the houses on the way, but I wanted to knock on every door we pass, since it was my first halloween, and I was eager to show everyone our cute baby.

We knocked at a couple of dozens of houses. Sometimes people in the houses asked us to stop by to get candies. Everyone was saying how cute and beautiful Baby was. Baby was behaving well too. He smiled at all the women and most men, and grabbed half of the candeis. His favorite was an eyeball candy. Too bad, he is not allowed to eat any of the candies he worked so hard to get tonight.

When we got home, it was almost 9. I counted the candies--32 pieces of candies, a ghost light, an eyeball, a set of dracula teeth, a box of playdough. It was a lot of fun.

I can't wait to take baby trick-or-treating next year when he can walk (hopefully).

the technology baby

2007-10-25T22:05:00.000-07:00

All of sudden, baby loves technology. He is fascinated with the phone. He could play with a phone for a long time. He also loves to stand up.
He typed on my keyboard and post something at mayacafe this morning.
I gave him a defective cell phone to play. He likes it, but he likes the real phone even better. He probably knows this one is not so good, because I never use it.
This evening we had our webcam session with grandma. He was so excited to see the laptop that he almost crawled to reach it. He rolled back and forth trying to get closer to the laptop, and once he was able to touch it, it typed on it vigoriously. What a baby!

I take him to the park everyday. He enjoys the swing, especially when there are other kids on the other swing. He would smile and laugh at the moms, watch the kids, and stare at the dads. Sometimes I think he really wants to get everyone's attention. He does. He is cute and he wears a helmet. Today we met a mom whose 18mo daughter used to wear a helmet for 4 months. She told me about physical therapy for the baby.

At the swing, some moms or care-takers are very quiet. Some would talk on the cell phone or talk to others. I try to engage the baby, but sometimes I feel I might be talking too much. Today there was a mom who was really animated, and she was laughing and talking with the kid the whole time. Baby was watching her the whole time. She made me feel that I wasn't interacting with Baby enough.

After the swing, we would pick a shady spot and sit on the grass for a while. Baby would play whatever silly toys I bring to him. He loves those plastic rings. He also tries to pick grass and eat it. Today I gave him a pine cone and he chewed on it.

Every time we eat, Baby would watch us intently. I usually give him a few piecese of rice on my chopsticks. He would take the food off the chopsticks with no problem. I am amazed. He is also working on eating finger food for the last few days. At first he would chase the little bit of rice puff all around his tray with his little hands. Finally he grabs it, and tries to bring it to his mouth. He often misses it, and the rice would stick to his hand when he take the hand away from his mouth. He ends up with nothing but a piece of rice puff sticking to his little hand. Yesterday he was able to shuffle a piece of rice puff into his mouth, and today he could eat a couple. What improvement!

Sometimes I don't know if I can actually teach him anything. All baby learns to do everything eventually. If he is not doing something, it's because he is not ready. Or the earlier he learns a skill, the better off he will be later in life? I don't know. But I know I am a lazy mother. I don't have much patience to teach him anything. I love to see him laugh and have a good time.

baby in park

2007-10-22T22:50:00.000-07:00

I take Baby to the park every day so he gets to see some other kids. He enjoys playing in the park. He goes on the swing for a while, waving and smiling and looking around. Then we sit on the grass and hang out. He is always quiet and content.

He never fusses when I take his toys away. He is afraid of loud white noise. He is very afraid of the sound of cow his exersaucer makes. Every time he hears the cow, he cringes his little nose and begins to cry. It is the saddest thing to watch in the world.

When he laughs, it is the most wonderful sound in the world.